Three for You

The Balancing Act

2011-02-04T08:45:00.000-08:00

Why is it so hard? Kids, husband, dog, activities, work, cooking, cleaning...the list is endless.

Many books have been written about it. Many experts have pontificated. Yet I don't feel any closer to figuring it all out now than I did before I read everything on the subject.

I think the problem is that, as a society, we've created this impossible belief that women can be full-time mothers, sexy and understanding wives, and smart, capable individuals. Indeed, we can be all these things. Just not at the exact same time.

I'd really like to have a discussion about being an individual; what's important to me may not be to you. That's OK. In fact, that's good. As long as we all agree that we want to raise our kids right and we want to have a strong family, then how we get there is moot.

Right?

We also need to cut ourselves some slack. I mean both moms AND dads. Dads are doing so much more with their kids, so much more around the house and still working full time. They are giving a lot to the relationship. We need to remember that.

We also need to remember that it's OK to not want to be a full time professional, or a full time mother or not be able to seamlessly blend the work-at-home thing. You know what? Kids - especially young, needy kids - make working from home hard. When they are fussy, they make both parents' edgy. And usually kids aren't the neatest roommates.

Balancing family with careers is a trick. Some people do it extremely well - with grace and dignity. I am not one of those people. I find it messy, frustrating and sometimes downright awful. But I wouldn't give up my family and I NEED the adult outlet. So I better get better at balancing.

What can sex do for you?

2011-01-06T10:32:00.000-08:00

According to this CNN article, quite a lot. Be calmer and look younger. Reduce heart disease! Part of me thinks it's simply men reporting to get mire sex. But then I think if I start sleeping more, drinking a small glass of red wine, eating one ounce of dark chocolate and having sex three times a week...well, maybe I would feel better. If only I weren't too tired to try.

Those $#%! hormones!

2010-12-10T08:16:00.001-08:00

We did it. We had another baby. That's three - three for me! But my hormones this go-round were out of control.
The worst part for me was the tiredness, which led to depression. I've never been depressed before, and I have to admit that I was scared. Those feelings can be completely overwhelming.

I wondered if anyone of you had this problem. Are you willing to share you stories?

Yahoo article on medical overtreatment

2010-06-28T11:43:00.001-07:00

I can't say that I was shocked by the numbers in this article. What does leave me aghast is the fact that so many people are undergoing painful treatments that do not prolong life but incur incredibly large debts. I can't say how I'd react in this situation: I think I'd want to explore every option to save my husband and kids, but would I want them to do the same for me? I can't be so sure. I don't like the idea of leaving my family with massive debt. And I probably want to have some peace and comfort in my last days on earth -- to spend with those I love.

Articles like these shows the need for better education. If Americans were well-versed on their choices I think the ratios listed might be very different.

Mental health

2010-06-14T08:59:00.000-07:00

Having children is a huge physiological step for most parents. Not only does a woman's body change to accommodate the baby, parents need to prepare for the mental challenges of kids. And they can be daunting: with every child you are adding a new personality to the family. An unknown personality that needs constant attention and love (as will any other children you currently have).

But there really isn't much written about parents' prenatal mental health. If you consider Planned Parenthood's numbers that up to half of all pregnancies in the United States are not planned, well, is it any wonder that the soon-to-be-parents are not mentally prepared for the upcoming challenges? This is an area where we need more research and more resources. If moms- and dads-to-be are not mentally healthy at the time of their child's birth, then how can we expect the new family to get off to the best start possible?

Summer time blues

2010-06-07T15:10:00.000-07:00

It's started. The kids have been home all of a few days, and today they plaintively wailed, "I'm bored!"

My retort was, "Who can change that?"

Perhaps it wasn't the most sympathetic answer, but I do believe my kids need to take more responsibility for their time and actions. I know they can't drive themselves to the pool, but they can play with one of the gagillion toys they HAD to have. Or they can read a book, play in the sand box, on the play structure, draw, color, make a collage...you get my point. There's always something they could be doing; they just expect me to make it more entertaining.

But I was on deadline. I literally had to finish my project. It's a combustible combination. I get stressed, they get annoyed, and all hell breaks loose. But it doesn't have to be that way. Which is why I sent them outside to play. The connection with nature is imperative to both their mental and physical health. Of course it'll only last about another 15 minutes, but that's more than enough time to finish this blog post.

Now if I could just get to the vacuuming....

Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn.

2010-04-15T07:12:00.000-07:00

I've been saying something to that effect now for the past few months. Not because I don't actually care. I do. Really. I simply don't have the energy to continue.

Ever been there? Portia's last column was on sleep - or the lack thereof. That's been one of the problems. When you don't sleep well - at all - everything else seems to be in a haze. And it's hard to care about fog.

Still, relationships need to be maintained. The only other alternative is to let them collapse. Because I happen to love my children, I don't want that to happen. So it's time to start making an effort. Big time.

What's your sleep routine?

2010-03-08T19:58:00.000-08:00

I'm not an insomniac, but I could be. I bet you feel that way sometimes too. And there's a very simple explanation.

We don't maintain healthy sleep hygiene.

I know, funny word. But my dad's a therapist, and it's really called that.

Now, if you're a mom, you've spent a little bit of time investing in your child's sleep habits. Our routine takes anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, depending on the night. It's a slow easing in to a restful night, and the payoff has been great. My family is so pleased to watch the kids and always compliments us on how good they are for bedtime.

I wish they could say the same for me. I can be utterly, completely physically exhausted and my mind races. Did I remember to dot the i and cross the t? Did I word this e-mail appropriately? Wouldn't that be a great headline for my next article?

So I talked to my dad. He reminded me of an important fact: Beds are for for two things—sleeping and ... well, let's just call it couple time.

I'm going to share his advice, because it makes such a difference in my life. You need a routine, just like your kids. The last hour of your day should be spent on non-intellectual activities. (Books are still OK, as long as you don't read in bed and it's reading for fun.)

Give yourself a break. Sleeping makes you a happier, healthier, smarter person. Routine might sound boring, but sometimes boring is beautiful.

The bomb

2010-03-03T06:55:00.001-08:00

We had a major emotional blow up this morning. Tears, screaming, time spent in room to calm down.

Over a shirt.

I can't tell you how demoralizing that was. Normally, I'm thrilled my kids can and will dress themselves. But my older daughter picked out a shirt that a.) was too big and b.) did not meet dress code.

The fight was on. I literally had to yank it off her. And then - being in a snit - she refused other clothes. Many options were given. All were rejected.

Why does it have to be so hard to simply get ready to go somewhere?

Logging off...for now

2010-03-02T14:48:00.000-08:00

The past two weeks have been incredibly busy. When I finally get to bed, it's more of a collapse into the mattress.

But because I've been barely able to get done what I have to, I haven't had any time to Twitter, Facebook or even blog.

And it's been wonderful.

That's not to say I'm not looking forward to plugging back into my Twitter-feed; this is more a matter of enjoying less computer time. I've become a slave to the device. And I'm not sure that's healthy. At least this past week, I've had to drive, walk and interact with others. That's been too novel a feeling.

I don't want to give up my social network sites. I simply want to harnass the technology to work smartly with my face-to-face interactions. Not overshadow people-time.

Too much thinking

2010-03-02T01:22:00.000-08:00

It's hard to get much sleep when your brain has no off switch.

Have you ever noticed that?

We live in a culture that encourages us too worry. Commercials tell us you need a home security system or the bad man will break into your house. You need a car that phones home when you're in a wreck. The milk and meat and additives you unwittingly consumed in your school meals in elementary school are responsible for your cancer.

Psychology tells us a little bit of stress is normal—until you let it take over your life. Of course, there are plenty of times you have very legitimate reasons to worry—sick kids, financial difficulties, job instability.

Just try to temper it by dwelling on the good things, too, OK? Be thankful when the kids are healthy. When you or your spouse find the right job or all the bills are paid.

Now go get some sleep.

Car Debate

2010-02-27T07:41:00.000-08:00

It's still raging. I want something that's highly fuel efficient. I need something with all-wheel or four-wheel drive. As my kids age, I really need something big enough to tote my kids, their friends and everyone's equipment. I'd say I'll have four to six passengers 80 percent of the time I drive. Occasionally, I'll need to schlep eight.

That means a big vehicle.

I know I'm going to pay for the choice not only at the pump but also with some moral high ground. I don't particularly wish to be the SUV-driving, CO2-emitting stereotypical American.

But my needs - which are very real - seem to make the choice for me.

Baby fever

2010-02-21T08:41:00.000-08:00

My youngest child is about to turn four. That doesn't seem that old - really - but it somehow is. We're out of the baby stage. There are no more snuggles while nursing, diapers to change, night-time wakings, first smiles, first steps, first words.

We have kids, not babies. And the lack of tiny cuteness has been depressing.

The only way to avert my current funk is to have another infant. That means three kids, which seems like a small army. I wouldn't have enough arms to corral them all. I'd be starting over - nauseous for months before I get so swollen I hate to look at my fat fingers and ankles. I'd have to buy maternity clothes, a baby carrier, a bigger car.

But I'd have a baby. For a little while, at least.

A funny thing happened

2010-02-17T12:13:00.000-08:00

I lost my to-do list. So instead, I read a book.

When I finally found my list again, I'd accomplished half of the things on my list. Now I'm more relaxed and I think I got just as much done. Not bad.

I highly recommend it.

School daze

2010-02-12T11:20:00.000-08:00

Is my child well enough for school?

I always thought this would be an easy question to answer before I had kids. Boy, was I wrong.

I definitely do not want to be the mom who spreads the germs to the whole school. But my 4 year old isn't old enough, either, to be a reliable reporter of how well he feels. So I'm making guesses based on his demeanor, his appetite, and his energy level.

My point: It's a tough call. If there's no clear sign of illness—fever, vomiting, diarrhea—you're going to get it wrong occasionally. I think most kids fake it at least once, and every kid has probably come home after school one day and puked all over the rug.

Don't beat yourself up over it. It's never an easy choice.

What criteria do you use to decide whether your kids are well enough for school?

But, Mom

2010-02-12T08:21:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry, no. We are not going any further don't that road. It's not that I'm a dictator (all the time); it's that there are things you cannot do for your own safety. Scaling dressers, walking in the road by yourself (without looking), going to a friend's house when I've never met the parent are all items I consider extremely dangerous.

These are items that I will not budge on. Ever. So don't keep pushing. The answer will always be no.

Is preschool good for moms?

2010-02-11T08:08:00.001-08:00

It occurred to me as I dropped my preschooler off today that I'm the first generation of mothers to have my kids start school so young. My mother had a two-morning, two-hour program, which was then called the politically incorrect "Mother's Day Out." And, as a tangent, I never understood that name. Two hours does not give a mom a day out. It gives her time to shower and eat breakfast.

But back to preschool. My daughter goes for four hours, three times a week. That gives me a whopping twelve hours of professional time. I can increase that to six hours five days a week, which would allow me to work pretty much full time. But here's a question: Is that a good idea? I'm beginning to think the whole reason some women decide to go back to work at least past time is because of the social push to put kids in preschool. If I had my daughter home with me, I don't think I'd feel as obligated to accept as many (or maybe any) freelance assignments.

Now, I think preschool is a wonderful invention. I love that my child is learning at this point in her life when she's excited and willing to soak up information. I also love the fact she's learning to share and understand the complexities of interpersonal relationships.

But I wonder if preschool is healthy for mothers who then feel the pressure to DO something with their time. Up until 40 years ago, handling the household budget and keeping the house, kids and dog clean was considered a full time position.

What's your point of view? Should we feel the need to immediately find work as soon as there is a break in our childcare duties?

"Mommy, your work is ruining the day!"

2010-02-02T20:54:00.000-08:00

So I quit working fulltime because I was expecting No. 2 and I just couldn't imagine a life were I could give two the total love and focus I wanted to give and work full-time.

But last week, my son said to me, "Mommy, your work is ruining the day!" Oh, how those words crush.

Now, to be fair to me, we'd just wrapped up a two-day visit from his grandpa. He'd spent the morning playing with grandpa before we drove him to the airport. Then we followed up with a special treat--lunch at his favorite restaurant, then a play date with his best friend. While his baby sister was napping, I tried to grab 15 minutes of editing before the big event. We we planned a special night out at the Sesame Street Live performance. But my 15 minutes elicited an angry comment from my son.

Friends, it hurt. I try to only work when my children are sleeping or at preschool (a tall order, as you know!) But sometimes you just need a few extra minutes.

Don't feel bad. When I catalog the attention I give my children every day, I realize the guilt is unfounded. They are always the first priority. But to expect ourselves to always be on—ready to play, ready to be the cargiver, the servant—when our children are awake ... that's not reasonable, either, is it?

Trust me. You are an amazing mother. Your children will have countless memories of the love you displayed. Some will come from events you'll never remember—making the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, helping them make that very special snowman. You can't predict what that moment will be. I know, because I've tried. You just have to give your love every day and trust that they see it in your actions.

So don't stress the small stuff.

I said, "No!"

2010-02-02T13:54:00.000-08:00

I'm a writer. I'm a writer of magazine and web articles, corporate web copy and nonprofit press releases. I enjoy writing across these industries and for a variety of clients. But my true love is fiction. And I've finally started querying literary agents.

I've also started racking up the rejection letters. This is not a fun part of the process. In fact, it's downright discouraging. I actually wanted to work for a literary agent so that I would better understand the process. That's me: research and learn as much as you can before you dive into something. Unfortunately, working for an agent wasn't a possibility.

I'm sure I'm learning from this process; I'm just not quite sure what as yet. Any suggestions?

Oh, how times have changed

2010-01-26T19:33:00.000-08:00

My daughter joined the Girl Scouts this year. Daisy Scouts, actually. I didn't know there was such a thing until we went to the first meeting.

I was a Brownie for years; I loved selling the cookies. I'd walk down the streets of my neighborhood and knock on doors, wondering what kind of dog was attached to each bark. Now, the girls and parents get strongly-worded documents against door-to-door sales.

Just one more way the world has changed. And not for the better.

Dear Friend

2010-01-24T21:34:00.001-08:00

It's been three and a half years since you died of cervical cancer. I was still nursing my son. I remember crying as I fed him. Crying as I told my boss. Every time I touch something you gave me or see pictures, I feel the ache that you aren't here too.

It had been two years since we'd spoken when you died. Too long. You know how that happens. You always think there will be more time.

We had fun. Remember high school? We called you Queen of the Band Hall? I still have the notes we passed. I read them and laugh. And then I cry. Because they're the last notes we'll ever share.

I love you. I remember the night your sister died. It was the worst thing I ever thought could happen. Until you got cancer.

I wish I'd been there for you more. Your family says it was a relief when the end came, because the pain was too great. And I hate that. But I think about you. I hope there is a part of you I can pass on to my children.

I look at my own kids, and I think, not them. No way. But your parents had three, lost two. How could that happen? I don't know. But it haunts me. And I'm not the only one.

We love you. We remember.

Yay for you!

2010-01-21T09:32:00.000-08:00

One of my old college friends has a 2 year old, and they have a charming ritual. Every week they make a birthday cake. It's a different type of cake each week, but it's the event that counts. He's celebrating special time with his mommy. She's celebrating the miracle that is her son.

Seems we don't do enough to celebrate ourselves and our families. Special occasions are nice, but these special routines we develop to nurture our families and ourselves demonstrate a love that goes beyond a moment--it's a love you work at and build on everyday.

What rituals do you use to celebrate your family, yourself, and others?

Un-united States of America

2010-01-21T07:39:00.000-08:00

For the past ten years, I've been waiting for politicians and political pundits to stop acting like three-year-old protecting a toy in the sandbox.

It hasn't happened.

Yes, I know we're not supposed to talk about politics. Nor are we supposed to talk about religion, but I'm noticing we're talking about both - slyly, for our own agendas - quite a bit.

I've been studying the history of Santa Fe, NM. The Spanish - for all their faults (which were many!) - were able to intermarry and coexist relatively peacefully with the natives, Africans and other groups that were either already in the territory or came to it. That is part of our legacy as Americans. Unfortunately, I still do not see this as the mainstream course of action. People seem to like to fight. Often and loudly.

What happened to respect thy neighbor? What happened to offering someone the dignity of listening to their opinion without talking over them? While I may like my ideas better, they are mine, not yours. And it's relatively rare that I will be able to change anyone's views, whether it be on something as trivial as cereal brands or as major as the environmental legislation that has stalled in D.C. That's OK as long as we can recognize a common goal: leaving our country better.

I am quickly moving from frustration to fear. Our country is polarizing on two opposite ends of the political spectrum; each feels its camp has all the right answers. This is the exact fiasco Abraham Lincoln warned against: "Nearly all men can withstand adversity; If you want to test a man's character, give him power."

But perhaps the most apropos quote is the one by Gore Vidal: "Politics is made up of two words. 'Poli' which is Greek for 'many,' and 'tics,' which are bloodsucking insects."

Gloating: A one way ticket down

2010-01-20T20:37:00.000-08:00

Oh, the political kibitzing has reached new heights today over the vote that occurred in Massachusetts yesterday. Shortly thereafter, the gloating began. Then the speculation. What did the vote mean?

I don't really need a talking head to tell me, thank you very much. Because there are certain things we're all capable of deciding for ourselves. Maybe you think people voted for Brown because it was a referendum on Obama. Maybe someone else thinks it's because Coakley ran an awful campaign.

You decide.

But don't let the TV tell you.

I hear a lot of gloating today, but it's really a tempest in a teapot. One state, one seat, one vote. We all remember Kennedy as a cultural and political icon, and personally, I don't think he would have approved of either candidate. So the results really don't matter that much, do they?

The problem is, when either party gloats--in defeat or victory--there's payback coming. Because gloating is the first step in complacency. And who wants a complacent government?

One final thought: I have many friends of different political persuasions. I may disagree on issues or candidates, but I most of all want to respect them as people who have reasons behind their beliefs. And ultimately, gloating is a slap in the face to them--and to their core believes. So I'm going to practice a little restraint and respect today and try to respect the people I know--and those I don't as well.

My feminst manifesto

2010-01-20T13:19:00.000-08:00

I have a super woman complex. No, I mean I really tend to pressure myself to be better than anyone else. When I finally sat down to unravel the root cause of this issue, I realized that it was all my mom's (generation who were at) fault.

I am a woman of the post-feminism movement. That means I have the right to do as I damn well please. But that doesn't mean I can do anything I please without complaints, sidelong glances and suggestions on what it means to be a woman in today's society. You know what? I think there are a multitude of activities and dreams that I have the right to pursue. So do you. Here's a brief list of what I can do. I'd love to see you add to it.

As a woman, I can:

* run a business as well as any man - and make more money doing so
* stay at home to raise my kids (and maybe never again use that expensive college degree) while being a supportive wife
* wait for someone to open my car door only if I feel like it
* fix a broken electrical socket or transmission
* take a night off and let my spouse deal with the kids
* be frustrated and grumpy without it being labeled PMS
* dress as professionally, sloppy or as sexy as I want
* dream of simpler times when I didn't have to make as many financial decisions
* re-balance my stock portfolio
* buy my own car
* refuse to mow the lawn, enter the attic or deal with dead animals
* squash my own bugs
* expect to be loved and respected and never degraded for wanting to do what is best for my family and myself

That fine line

2010-01-13T08:46:00.000-08:00

Portia mentioned recently that we as women take on too much. I definitely have this problem. It's the "should" curse. More than likely you live it without even realizing it.

Here's a list of items I feel I should do every day (though not in any specific order):

Write an article
If I'm not writing one, I should be researching and pitching one
Spend hours of quality time with my children
Actively learning something new
Wash, dry, fold and put away all the laundry in the hampers
Clean the dishes
Help my children learn to clean up their messes (and then following up to ensure said mess is actually cleaned up)
Spend quality time with my husband
Walk the dog - at least two miles
Spend at least 20 minutes building my platform through social media
Visit with my friends
Make a healthy, nutritious dinner

This is a partial list, but you get the idea. How can one do so many things? I can't. If I try, I do many of them poorly. Which is why my gift to myself is to stop saying, "I should do...." Maybe I should, but I can't do it all. It's time to accept that.

Mom didn't tell me ...

2010-01-12T10:38:00.000-08:00

... That I would cry when my babies stopped nursing.

... That it hurts when you put their baby clothes away.

... That you can take an absurd number of baby photos and video and it will still never be enough.

... That every day they're going to look older—and cuter!

... That you can celebrate poop in the potty with more enthusiasm than any award you'll ever receive.

What's a frenemy?

2010-01-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

It's a hard world out there, and we need all the friends we can get, right?

Yeah.

But ... What if someone isn't your friend?

Here's a quick test to decide:

Your friend:

Likes spending time with you—and seeks you out

Makes you feel better about yourself

Offers support and congratulations when good things swing your way

Do you know anyone who failed this test? Is this someone you have regular contact with through work, social activities, or even social media like Facebook or Twitter?

Fire them. Or if you can't excise the cancer (hey, I understand--it's your sister and she's super competitive), at least tune it out.

If you want a positive life, you have to be a positive force. That means being a good friend or neighbor, opening yourself to good people and blocking the bad, and generally supporting others with love in your heart.

Early to bed, early to rise

2010-01-11T11:55:00.000-08:00

I love that phrase, and I like the concept. But I don't live it. I wish I did. On mornings where I'm up first (like today, when my morning started at 4:45 a.m.), I use the time to write. But this only works if you also go to bed early. Otherwise, you're just asking to fall victim to post-lunch slump.

Here's my concern. I think women take on too much. If you're like me, you're often the last to bed, perhaps the first to rise, and the self-care you need just isn't happening. When I hear the to-do lists of my friends and colleagues, I realized we're all part of a not-so-exclusive club: an over-committed, over-worked, and under-paid sisterhood. Is this true for you? Check out the poll at the top right-hand corner of the page and let us know if you're in the club too.

But where do you live?

2010-01-08T07:00:00.000-08:00

Ever been to someone's immaculately groomed house? I'm always envious at first. No whatnots or geegaws. No magazine stack or letter piles. No dishes in the sink, no coffee cups on the table or toys on the floor.

After the first bout of admiration fades, I begin to notice other things. No books on the end table. The fluffy towels are for guests (read: don't touch) and the pillow arrangement on the bed is so intimidating I don't feel comfortable resting there.

And I wonder, where do these people live? Do they drink and eat, read and sleep? Or is every action a chore, because the house must be meticulously maintained at all times?

Where do they live?

For Naught

2010-01-07T08:01:00.000-08:00

Time magazine proclaimed the decade from hell is over. I'm always leery of such claims. When someone says, "Whew! Glad that's over!" I cringe. I'm just superstitious enough to think it's all been jinxed and what comes next will make what came before look like a picnic in the park.

Oh, how I hope I'm wrong.

One of the interesting terms for the last decade being bandied about is "the naughts." I wondered if the term referred to the double zero starting the decade or the amount of money/job growth/ increase GDP that came from the decade. Maybe both?

Whatever the case may be, the last decade was not good to most Americans. Some flourished profoundly; others lost their jobs, retirement savings and homes. Will the next decade push us once again into a time of flourishing prosperity? Perhaps. But for now, I'm just going to be glad with what I still have. Because it is more than naught.

Getting ready for the big dance

2010-01-06T06:50:00.000-08:00

The slow season is over. The fall isn't a busy time for me. I have some freelance writing and editing assignments but it's not the revolving door of projects I face the other eight months a year.

So I tried to make the most of it. I continued to edit my first book, drafted two more, and started a fourth book. It's ruminating back there and sometimes I visit it, write a little, and chat.

The writer's lament: there's never enough time. And I know if I felt that way before, it's nothing compared to the months ahead. To keep myself centered, I'm making a promise now. No matter how crazy the deadlines, I will spend at least 30 minutes with my writing projects a day.

Thirty minutes isn't that long, right? The time it takes to shower and get dressed in the morning. Fold a load of laundry and start the next. Even cook dinner.

It's my job to find those little time savers. Because daily writing time is more than a gift I give myself every day. It's a driving force, a necessary part of my life. And I need it to feel fulfilled.

What fulfills you? Can you give yourself 30 minutes every day?

Pressure Cooker

2010-01-05T07:20:00.000-08:00

I'm a TCU alum. And for the first time in my generation, TCU went to a BCS bowl this year. The kids on the team were under extraordinary pressure. The last championship for the school was in 1938. Talk about a dry spell.

Last night's game was a very big deal. My facebook page has been smeared in purple and GO FROGS! notes for days. I can't tell you the number of friends who bought tickets to Phoenix for the game.

And the team lost.

Now, a loss in and of itself really isn't a big deal. It's how the team lost that is so much more painful: Andy Dalton, the quarterback, threw three interceptions. His receivers dropped passes in the end zone. Clearly, the pressure was simply too much. And Murphy's Law prevailed once again (when you REALLY need something, you don't get it).

Most of us are able to avoid a colossal TV meltdown. These kids - from 18 to 22 - had their worst fears realized while broadcast to millions. As a mother, I wonder if the pressure placed on these students is simply too much, too soon. In the scheme of their entire lives, how much - really - does one bowl game matter?

Today I hope the team's fellow Frogs are being supportive and remembering just how far these kids had to come, how deeply they had to dig to claw their way to national prominence. That is a victory that will more than likely be overshadowed by a bitter loss. Unfortunately, that's part of life. You win some big ones and you lose many more. The key, I'm beginning to realize, is the journey and the lessons learned from it.

I'm sleeping with someone new

2010-01-04T09:53:00.000-08:00

She's a redheaded diabetic named Ginger, and it's causing quite a stir in the house. Our two other cats pace outside the bedroom door and howl, knowing Ginger is snuggled into the bed covers in between my husband and me.

Ginger's grandma's cat, and grandma has been sick. After spending nearly a month boarded at the veterinary clinic, Ginger was starting to get a little testy. She's used to a lot of cuddles. So we brought her home and learned to administer her daily insulin shots.

Ginger's an important reminder about what really matters in our lives. For grandma, who lost her husband of sixty-plus years in September, Ginger is her lifeline. Her companion, the first thing she asked about when they took her off the ventilator.

We feel the weight of this responsibility. Somehow Ginger's well-being seems tied to grandma's recovery. So sure, we're pampering Ginger right now. And our cats might be upset, but they'll get over it when Ginger goes back home to her own momma. Until then, this cat can sleep with me anytime she wants.

Holiday hype

2010-01-03T07:57:00.001-08:00

I love the holidays. I'm typically on an emotional high from Halloween through New Year's. No, I'm not vibrating in anticipation at the thought of presents like my kids. I love the holidays because it's the one time of year we see all of our family. Each year, there is the renewed hope that this year we can all get along well. We love each other after all.

Then reality settles in.

People are not always nice. This is a fact of life. Unfortunately, one comment can lead to hurt feelings, which can lead to tiffs. I immensely dislike this part of the holiday season.

So for upcoming 2010 holidays, we're considering spending less time with our extended family. Maybe that will cure the unnecessary holiday hurts.

New Year's Blues

2009-12-28T07:02:00.001-08:00

I hate New Year's resolutions. To me, they take on the same level of seriousness as tarot cards or fad diets. Now goals, that's something I can get my head around. Here's why.

We don't take New Year's resolutions seriously. Who's still talking about their resolutions in July? Its simple. Resolutions have none of the hallmarks of a goal. They're not specific, they're rarely attainable, and they're hardly ever time bound.

So this year, I'm setting aside a few hours before Jan. 1 to do my quarterly goals review. I'll write New Year's goals, but you won't find me making any resolutions.

Here's a preview of my 2010 goals:

I will take better care of myself by doing at least three things for myself every day. At least one of these things will be health related, another will be family related, and the third will be related to my career goals. For example, today I will paint my toenails, plan a special activity with my husband, and set aside an hour of writing time.

What are your New Year's goals?

Learning to share

2009-12-21T08:33:00.000-08:00

As the Jolly Old Elf is preparing to make an appearance at our house, I'm immersed in the time honored tradition of sorting through old toys to determine what we'll donate or throw away to make room for the new.

Every mother knows this is a task that's much easier to perform when the kids aren't looking. But that kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? I'm hoping my son learns about sharing in this process. My goal is that he'll choose some toys to give away to the needy--nice ones, still in good condition.

After all, isn't sharing the most important lesson we can teach during the holidays?

Better you than me

2009-12-17T09:17:00.000-08:00

I hate when I think that way. I wish to be a better person, one who is both understanding and truly caring of her fellow beings. But when someone's kid is shrieking in the middle of Target...this thought does flit through my head. It's not that my kids are perfect - far, far from it! In fact, there are days when I wonder if the little monsters will ever behave like respectable human beings. And what I'm doing so wrong.

I recently received a picture from a family member whose toddler was sitting in the toilet. Not on. In. Again, I thought, "Oh, I'm glad that wasn't MY kid."

Do you ever have those type of thoughts?

Get a job

2009-12-16T09:22:00.000-08:00

Someone said this to me recently. I was joking about how I'd like an intern to help me with my housework so I could have more time to play with my kids and write. I laughed it off at the time, but I shouldn't have.

The correct response: I already have one. Or two. Or three. Just as it's not cool to let a racist comment slide unnoticed, we shouldn't just accept sexism.

I've seen both sides of the mother story. I was a working mom when I had just one child and chose to stay home as our family grew. And at the time I chose to work, I had people make the comment, "Be a mother." This is exactly the opposite of the comment made to me recently, and it illustrates a glaring fact:

Women, we're damned if we do, damned if we don't. And society thinks it's OK to judge us in a way they'd never consider judging fathers. (They unfairly judge fathers in other ways, like "he shouldn't stay at home with the kids or be a Brownies leader.")

So, just to make me feel better, here's my snarky response to my former male co-worker who thinks I need a job to justify having help around the house:

The minute you can nurse my infant, feed and dress my children, start a load of laundry, interview sources, write an article, take the kids to the doctor, visit Santa, drop off my husband's dry cleaning, cook dinner, play trains, attend a play date, and get everyone bathed and to bed in a timely fashion, feel free to come over and judge my schedule. Until then, I'll be doing the best I can.

And I still think I could use an intern. So there.

The art of regifting

2009-12-15T18:16:00.000-08:00

It's tacky. It's a sit-com joke, right? Perhaps sometimes. But every once in a while, regifting isn't so bad.

This Christmas, my dad wants a digital SLR camera. And he's in luck, because I upgraded this year. While it's hard to say goodbye to my first baby, my Nikon D50, it's a shame that she spends so much time collecting dust while I take her older sister out for spins around town.

So this Christmas, my dad's gonna unwrap the same present I did three years ago. And I think he'll be thrilled. It's a much bigger ticket item than we'd normally spend, and I can verify it's been lovingly cared for.

Plus, it's in the truest Christmas spirit: I love this camera still, but I want to share the love. That counts, right?

What do you think? Tasteful or tacky?

My overindulgence

2009-12-15T07:45:00.000-08:00

I found out there is indeed a point where I've consumed too much dark chocolate almond bark. You'll be glad to know it takes significant effort to get there.

Here's a quick recipe for anyone interested:

1 cup very dark chocolate (over 70%) chopped into small pieces
1/2 c raw almonds
pinch large flake sea salt

Line rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper. Sprinkle chocolate onto parchment. Place in oven. Turn on to 325F. Wait 10-15 minutes. Remove from oven and smooth chocolate with spatula. Sprinkle with almonds, pressing down lightly to ensure they stick in the chocolate. Sprinkle with sea salt and cool slightly. Place in fridge to cool completely. Cut into SMALL pieces (that way you can eat more of them).

Food Insecurity

2009-12-14T07:25:00.000-08:00

Now there's a political term for you. What does it even mean? I had to look it up. Apparently, being food insecure means you are either currently hungry, are on the cusp of becoming hungry or just really worried that you might not be able to buy enough food to feed your family.

That's a wide range. No wonder there's such a large number of Americans that fall into that range. Over 49 million.

At the same time, we - as a nation - are on track to have about 43% of our population fall into the obese category by 2018.

Local food pantries are completely bare. School programs have seen a rise in the number of children needing free lunches and breakfasts. Food stamp programs are seeing many additional (and highly educated) requests.

We have truly become the land of the haves and have-nots.

My daughter's school is hosting its annual holiday food drive. This is the third time in four months that we've donated nonperishables. I wish I could do more. I truly - deeply- wish the 22 million food insecure children had enough to eat each day. Hunger - especially in one of the wealthiest nations ever to exist on this planet - seems ridiculous. I wonder if there's more I can do.

Don't get sick, mom!

2009-12-10T11:32:00.000-08:00

We've been a sick house for the last week, and no one was safe. And this time it was bad, the worst we've ever been through as a family.

We've all heard the stories from fellow parents, co-workers, and friends. The one that starts with, "One time everyone was sick, and I was standing around in my underwear cleaning up (fill in yucky mess here)."

I had plenty of those moments this week, and you're in luck, cause I really, really want to whine about them right now.

Because there's a simple rule when the family gets sick, and it's the same rule that applies the other 51 weeks of the year: Mommy is the caretaker.

It doesn't help that my husband's under a work crunch and has two cases due in court.

Now, I could detail the agonies of the last week with late nights, early mornings, a sudden deluge of laundry, and a water heater that chose a choice moment to die. Or I could get down to my point:

I'm a big believer the idea women need to find time to offer themselves the same care they offer others. But sometimes, you need to get others to take care of you.

You can bet that's factoring into my weekend plans right now.

The Waiting Game

2009-12-10T09:53:00.001-08:00

My three-year-old best exemplifies what most of the rest of us are thinking. Her body will start to quiver and she'll shout, "But I REALLY want it!"

The wait for something truly important always seems horrendously long. Five minutes, three days, a month...dragging out a much-anticipated present, promotion or even interview makes for such harrowing thoughts. And I have to admit, there is a part of me that wants to shout just as much as my preschooler. But, I have learned that wanting does not mean I will actually get something. And my drive to accomplish a goal has been tempered - out of necessity - by some tiny fleck of patience.

I just hope I have enough (patience that is) for this next go-round of "I want!" Because this time there are real consequences to not achieving my goal.

Priorities

2009-12-09T07:39:00.000-08:00

Isn't that what life really is? A list of priorities. What will I do first - or what is most important to me today?

Everyone has theirs. And each list is individual. But I think there are some universals that tend to climb to the top. Those include family, friends, lifestyle and health.

I would love to hear how you juggle these priorities. Sometimes it's relatively easy. But - for me, at least - there are days when I can barely squeeze in half of what I know I should be doing.

How do you manage your list of priorities?

Poor sleep, poor decisions

2009-12-07T08:53:00.000-08:00

There is now scientific evidence that proves it. When you don't sleep well, you struggle to make sound decisions. Any new mom could tell you that. I remember the time I thought it would be a good idea to eat a sandwich while nursing. Let's just say the dog and the living room floor ended up with most of the food.

The best defense against illness, weight gain and doing something completely stupid is getting enough sleep.

I hope to give myself the gift of eight glorious hours tonight. What will you do for yourself today?

Affordable health care

2009-12-04T13:51:00.000-08:00

What makes health care affordable? Is it lower monthly premiums? A lower deductible? What about co-pays?

There are many fees even for those with health insurance. I want to know what Congress, big Pharma, doctors and health insurance companies are doing to mitigate costs and help you and I get the coverage we need.

What changes would you like to see come out of this health care reform session?

I want to know I can truly afford good, quality coverage.

Breastfeeding ... still

2009-12-04T09:05:00.000-08:00

My 15 month old still loves breastfeeding. I get comments, funny looks, but hey, did I mention she likes it? But this article from USA Today makes me wonder, is breastfeeding a young toddler really such a bad thing?

Uh-oh

2009-12-02T12:48:00.000-08:00

I had one of those moments two weeks ago. I was late. Three days late.

This would not be the ideal time for me to get pregnant. Which, I have to point out, is exactly why it would happen. I woke up each morning, torn between joy and hyperventilation associated with the mere thought of another child. Don't get me wrong, I love babies. Especially my own. But I've given away all my infant paraphernalia. And I need a bigger bar. Where would we put the baby? Would I stay home with this new child as I had my others?

These thoughts were the last I thought each night and the first I awakened to each morning. Until, on day four, I started my period.

I was disappointed.

I was relieved.

Have you had a similar experience? I hope you'll share your feelings with us.

How does it happen?

2009-12-02T06:42:00.000-08:00

Babies have a lot to learn. And as they grow, it seems like the list of "need to knows" grows with them. Frankly, sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed by the responsibility. From the ABCs and counting to labeling body parts or wiping their own bottoms, the items range from "good to know" to "have to know before they go to school."

Miraculously, with attention and good habits, most of this stuff just ... happens. Now I'm not saying moms and dads don't put an incredible amount of work into this, but we don't have to build mini classrooms for our kids. We just need to adopt a teaching role and help them become good learners. After all, they're born with a natural curiosity.

Statistics show habits such as reading to your child help better prepare them for a lifetime of learning. In addition, we have countless teachable moments every day. For instance, my 4 year old helps cook sometimes, learning about how to follow directions. My toddler learns fine motor skills when we color together. And even picking up can be a teaching experience. Not only does it create a sense of self-discipline and responsibility, you can discuss letters, numbers, and colors as you do it. For example, "Can you hand be the red block next to the coffee table? And now can you pick up the book with the B on it?"

I've often said I'm not worried about whether my children are first—or last—to read, walk, or even become potty trained. I think children will help guide you down the right learning path for them as long as you're aware and prepared to teach. So keep watching for those teachable moments. You never know which ones will become the memories they remember for a lifetime.

Job search

2009-11-30T13:56:00.001-08:00

Can I just say searching for a job is NOT fun? The worst part is that my degree is in marketing. Yeah, I get how to promote something (in this case me), but I do not enjoy it. I think in a lot of ways, selling oneself is the hardest part of the equation.

Reality is stalking my checkbook, so I better get my act together and do some more selling.

Doe-MESS-sticity

2009-11-23T13:27:00.000-08:00

I've often fancied myself a writer/editor type who jumped at the career change to freelance to be able to spend more time with my two young children. But this premise leaves me with a few life balance quandaries.

In the abstract, the hierarchy is simple: family, freelance work, housework. But the reality is a little different for a couple of reasons.

The first, quite simply, is that the housework interferes. Taking care of the kids and he spouse requires a fair amount of maintenance housework—at the very least, daily kitchen duties and laundry. And the dining room table needs to be cleaned to make a space for board games and crafts. And how can we possibly make a train track if the carpet hasn't been cleared and vacuumed?

Add to that my natural aversion to working amongst a mess—something I've had to simply overcome, because the alternative means I'll never get anything done.

My writing life can be just as big a mess as my house. First off, I'm a split personality, craving the money producing freelance work and the time to enjoy writing and editing my fiction. I need the freelance work, because there's something properly fulfilling about getting paid for something I like to do. But I also believe that achieving success in the fiction market requires keeping regular hours as a fiction writer. In essence, writing and editing daily. Treating fiction as my business.

That can be a real leap for me, because I often feel I'm stealing time for a "hobby" (god, I hate that word) because I'm unpublished. And wouldn't it be more productive to be cleaning house right now?

Well, I'll admit this is all mostly rambling because my core plan remains the same. I will still opt for writing over laundry often enough to keep me balanced and hope my spouse can forgive me when my absentminded approach to chores means I've accidentally stained his favorite college t-shirt (yes, really. Sorry, honey!)

What are you balancing in your life?

Having a good time?

2009-11-23T11:21:00.000-08:00

Between you and me, the holidays can get a little tricky around our house. A few reasons, but mostly it amounts to high expectations.

Every year we have a minimum of two Thanksgivings and three Christmases, followed directly by me and my husband's wedding anniversary and our (shared) birthday. Yup, same birthday. What were our parents thinking?

But in the midst of all of this revelry, what really gets us down are the expectations—our own and others. I want the house perfect. I want to make everyone happy and try to see as many relatives as possible over the holidays. I want to cook a fabulous meal served at a beautiful table with the perfect table setting. Makes me tired just thinking about it.

But it doesn't have to be that way. Who says you can't serve up a good old fashioned bowl of chili for Christmas? Didn't God invent paper plates for a reason? And maybe it's OK if the house isn't dusted and the baseboards don't get washed, just this once.

I mean, after all, this is supposed to be fun, right?

Not feeling it

2009-11-23T10:47:00.000-08:00

It's one of those days. You know what I'm talking about. Everything's a little off. Too little sleep, too much to do....Yes, yes, I know it's the story of most of our lives seemingly into perpetuity. But there are days when the lists and needy people become overwhelming, which is why we started this site.

So here are the three things I plan to do for myself today:

1. Work on my novel edit. It will only get done if I keep up the momentum
2. Take the dog for a walk
3. Go to bed - and hopefully sleep! - early

What are you doing for yourself today?

My thank you list

2009-11-20T08:38:00.000-08:00

Portia wrote recently about items for which she's thankful. As my freelance work picks up again, there are a few items that this work-from-home mom is extremely glad to have on hand.

Our play structure
Baseballs and a bat
Soccer ball
Chalk
Window clings
Play-Dough
Random small lizards and dinosaurs
Beads and string
PBS Kids
Crayons, scissors, construction paper and glue sticks

A red letter day

2009-11-19T06:58:00.000-08:00

For the past year, there have been rumors that the United States Postal Service may cancel its Saturday service. I know, I'm not sure I can cope with this type of change either.

We all know the USPS is strapped for cash. They've been competing not only with package delivery firms like FedEx and UPS, they also have to deal with e-mail and digital media. So the once-proud mail service has been marginalized.

Or has it?

Have you stopped to think what the mail service actually does every day? This much-maligned institution collects my from your house. For the price of one stamp (which has definitely become more expensive in recent years), postal workers take it to a nearby location, sort it, put it on airplanes and then deliver it to the addressee within three days. That's amazing. My daughter and I read the Little House on the Prairie series recently. In The Long Hard Winter, the Ingalls received mail once all winter long. For those of you who have forgotten, that winter lasted seven months. And we complain about three days.

I think there are times we forget just how much we have to be thankful for. So in the spirit of the holidays, I wanted to say thank you to the USPS. They may not do the job as efficiently as we'd always like, but they still do a pretty darn good job.

What matters most

2009-11-18T06:46:00.001-08:00

Warning: Rant in progress

When I was a kid, there was a family down the block from us with children close to my age. They seemed like the perfect family: two parents, two kids, a girl and a boy. My brother and I used to play with the kids, although I can't recall their names anymore. They're one of the many things that have vanished from my mind with the passage of time.

One thing I do remember, though, is how their family fell apart.

This seemingly normal family collapsed so suddenly it was shocking. The mother decided she'd married and had children to young, and left to "find herself."

First off, I feel like there was a period in the late 80's where this happened a lot. I'm not sure if that's just an impression I hold because of this family or whether it was a trend to leave your family.

But as an adult, I can't help finding myself condemning that woman. If she needed to leave her marriage, then I support her. But to leave your children—in my opinion, unconscionable. Because those children didn't ask for their mother to have children before she was ready. They weren't clambering at her conscious before—or apparently, even after—their birth.

Dads often get the bad rap for ditching a family. Worse is when they leave their families and start new ones, abandoning their children as if they were the leftover sofa that no one wanted to claim after the divorce. But woman can be just as guilty of this.

No one could ever know what they're getting into when they have children. The lifelong commitment, the love, the responsibility. And anyone who enters into the state too lightly deserves a good old fashioned wake-up call: It's not about you anymore.

/rant

Bad role models

2009-11-17T07:14:00.000-08:00

There are quite a few people that fall into this category, unfortunately. I do not want my girls cavorting like Paris Hilton or breeding fighting dogs like Michael Vick. Those people have made some truly unfortunate public choices. The list is long, and it concerns me deeply that children are so intimately involved in others' missteps. Still, the worst overall category is politicians.

Let me be clear: the idea of public services is one of the best you can bestow upon your kids. By far. Who doesn't want kids that give of their time and self to make the world a better place? Good citizenship is something the school system and parents should be teaching every day.

But the pandering, sidestepping and doublespeak that actually go along with holding - and keeping - office is disgusting. I said it. It's disgusting. Neither side has a lily white rap sheet; in fact, they seem determined to lob the blame - and bad deeds - back and forth. Case in point: Republicans are now reneging on a promise they made under the Bush administration to not filibuster judicial nominees. The reasoning? Sen. Jeff Sessions (R - Alabama) said he no longer feels obligated by that agreement. What I heard in that remark is I don't want to play by the rules I set when I'm not winning.

I don't let me kids act that way. Do you?

The stash

2009-11-16T13:17:00.000-08:00

My kids found it, much to my chagrin. My stash of "extras." Maybe you have one, too. I'm talking about the place you store items that you don't use all the time. It could be your chocolate horde or possible kettle corn (as it was in my case). Whatever it is you choose to squirrel away, there'll come a time someone will find it. This raises a dilemma: do you share or do you simply move it when no one's looking?

Giving thanks

2009-11-16T06:37:00.001-08:00

In the spirit of the season, I've decided to follow the trend and write a list of what I'm thankful for. These are not in any particular order.

• Toilet seat covers in public restrooms
• The delete button
• Preschool games on my iPod
• Taco Bell Fire Sauce, because, let's face it, the hot was never hot enough
• Caffeine
• Cereal malt beverages
• A democratic executive and legislative branch
• Baby gates
• Disposable diapers
• Air travel

Feel free to add your own in the comments section.

Read the labels—it will scare you

2009-11-14T02:23:00.000-08:00

When I got pregnant with my oldest, my husband became a label reader. No nitrates, no nitrites, no MSG or a host of other ingredients we'd researched. We started buying free range eggs (have you ever noticed the shells are thicker? Happier chickens, I think) and milk without the growth hormones. It was all on a mission to be more aware of what we were eating. Because labels lie.

Let me repeat that. Labels lie.

It happens all the time. The front of the label says something vague, like, "less sodium." You might grab that, thinking you've done due diligence and you're consuming less salt. But that might not even be true if you haven't read the chart on the back of the label.

Those daily value percentages are important. Just the other day I was tricked into buying something because I didn't read the chart on the back. I got it home and groaned. Why would I consume a chicken broth with 25 percent of my daily value of sodium when there's one that only contains three percent? How can the 25 percent one really call itself less sodium? Since none of us probably eat chicken broth straight, it's likely an ingredient in another dish.

Let's take chicken tacos, for example. There's likely salt in your chicken broth, your cheese, your taco shells, and even your taco sauce. Put it all together and one taco might give you all the salt you're supposed to have for an entire day. Yikes! Add a side dish, like beans or rice, and your Mexican feast just became high blood pressure waiting to happen.

Bottom line: This stuff is confusing. And it can be darned hard to find the healthy in the lying aisles of the supermarket. But what better gift can you give yourself than being a little more discriminating about what you put into your one and only body?

How much TV is too much?

2009-11-13T13:03:00.000-08:00

According to my daughter's teacher, a mere six-and-a-half hours of screen time each week starts to have a detrimental impact on children's social skills. I, of course, had to research this on my computer. I did not verify that statistic, but I found something even more disturbing: A Nature Conservancy report found many children spend 6.5 hours a day face-planted in Facebook, Xbox, television, a text-tablet or some other device.

Is it any wonder one-third of American children are overweight or obese? I don't know how it works in your school system. In mine, the kids still get PE. Once a week. That's simply not enough. We need kids who are moving more and eating better. I'm not saying this is easy to change, but I know it must be done.

We know some kids who have been banned from their Nintendo Wii for two months. They are doing things like playing outside, reading more and spending time with classmates. Yes, it can be more challenging for their parents, but on a whole, the entire family is happier and healthier.

Thank you, veterans

2009-11-11T06:57:00.000-08:00

When I think of veterans, I always think of my grandpa. He served in World War II, and the stories of his experiences in the war are more urban legend than fact, garbled misinformation and half truths passed around the family because my grandpa never spoke of the more exotic rumors. Here are some of my favorites:

1. Grandpa was a fighter pilot.

2. Grandpa was a spy for the underground in France.

3. While he was a spy for the underground in France, he got a nun named Suzanne pregnant. Two interesting side notes: When my grandfather came back to the United States and my mother was born, he named my mother Suzanne. Also, the French Suzanne did exist—I saw a letter she wrote my grandpa after the war.

These stories may be entirely false or hold small grains of truth about grandpa's service overseas. But he did once tell me a story, the only one I know to be true. When he finished telling it, he was crying, and I never had the nerve to ask about other stories. It goes like this:

When grandpa was stationed in England, he was a truck driver who drove those huge transport trucks with Army supplies on them. He stopped one night at a pub to eat. His truck was outside. A fight broke out in the bar, and my grandfather ignored it and continued eating—until the bartender accidentally clubbed my grandfather on the head.

So grandpa was arrested, and somehow in this mess he ended up in front of General Eisenhower, who sent my grandpa back for his truck. He drove General Eisenhower's military car that appears in the Presidential Library in Abilene, KS.

The next time he met General Eisenhower, he said, was several months later. General Eisenhower asked where the rest of my grandfather's squad was, and my grandfather had to tell him they were all dead.

Whether my grandfather was in England, France, or Timbuktu during the war, whether he really met Eisenhower or flew as a fighter pilot or was merely a truck driver, he, like countless veterans will be remembered today.

Thank you.

Romeo was a bad friend

2009-11-10T06:14:00.000-08:00

Who did you call after your first kiss? When you met Mr. Right or when you got engaged? Was that person a good friend? Do you know her still?

Being a friend is a lifelong job, and some people are better at it than others. Take good ole Romeo, for instance. Self-absorbed, always talking about his girlfriends ... Sometimes these behaviors are merely annoying, but some have the power to fracture even the strongest friendships. Here's a quick list of friendship faux pas:

1. Always talking about yourself. We all go through rough patches where we need support. And in those times it's natural to lean more heavily on our friends—as long as we're around for their rough patches too. And provided our rough patches are just that—patches. Not a unhealthy habit of nagging or whining.

2. Getting competitive. I'm fairly goal-oriented, but I quickly learned it's much healthier and more productive to compete against your own personal best than to turn a friend into a competitor. It's hard to brag about your accomplishments when you've just trod on your friends to get there.

To me, this also means celebrating your friends' successes and victories with a sincere and joyful spirit—the same spirit you want them to have when your big say comes.

3. Failing to follow up or follow through. Some friendships languish simply because no one reaches out to keep the friendship strong. I've been guilty of this. Getting absorbed in solitary projects and waking up to an empty room and no plans on the social calendar. Sometimes we need to make the effort—take the risk—and reach out.

As a side note, I recently watched a bromance that highlights some of the funnier aspects of finding—and keeping—friends. Watch it with a friend.

Part of your world

2009-11-09T16:03:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned last week, I've been participating in the insanity that is NaNoWriMo: National Novel Writing Month. And as I've been reaching for that daily word count goal—and the bigger goal of finishing a book—I've learned an important lesson about writing: It's a lot easier when you immerse yourself in the world you've created. Here's how I've been doing it:

1. I keep my laptop in the room I'm in, open, plugged in, and ready. And if the children suddenly become involved in a project, I can slip in a good five or 10 minutes of writing.

2. I think about my characters all day. I try to imagine how I'm going to solve the knots I created.

3. I write sentences in my head and try to jot them down on paper or on the computer as soon as I think of them.

It's fun to become involved in someone else's life, a place where you have total control. It's the chance to forget all of your problems and create ones for others. And here's nothing more satisfying then successfully solving the incredible messes your mind conjures.

Communication break down

2009-11-09T06:53:00.000-08:00

Also known as an argument. Or worse, a fight.

My husband and I were there recently. We were both tired, there was too much left to do and we were not talking to each other. You know, when you get that sinking feeling that occurs before one of you blurts something out, something you probably wouldn't say if the circumstances were just slightly different (read: sane).

Couples are going to argue; the key is how you do it. I think we all mess it up at least some of the time. What's your strategy for such tenses times? Have a story that showcases your missteps? How about your triumphant ability to overcome little - or big - squabbles?

Entertaining Aussie style

2009-11-08T14:59:00.000-08:00

Back in the mid 90s I spent nearly seven months in Australia. Those were good times.

One of the best lessons I learned is how easy a get-together can be. Granted, most of the people knew their neighbors - that's completely unthinkable in many American suburbs - and they'd simply call over the fence, "Wanna have a barbie?" No one cared what the house looked like or what was in the fridge. The neighbors would bring over a few beers, maybe a bottle of wine (which I appreciated, never having learned to like beer) and something for the grill.

It's a lesson I've taken to heart. Most of us have too much to do. Most of us do not have a tidy house. But most of us do not see our friends often enough.

Which matters more? A clean house or your friends? What you eat or that you eat with people you love?

We try to have friends over often. This does not always work. But I will say the more spontaneous the invitation, the better time we have.

Presents in your presence

2009-11-08T08:55:00.000-08:00

I'm working on a theory here I think you'll appreciate. It goes something like this:

We're so focused on the next chore we forget to say to ourselves, "Well done."

And it's something we should say more often. Not just for the big stuff: reaching a weight loss goal, completing a work project, or planning the perfect party for your little one's birthday. I think we should give ourselves many well dones every day. For doing that load of laundry when we really wanted to sit down and have a few moments of silence and a cup of tea. For driving to the further away grocery store to find the lower sodium canned tomatoes. And for making that nutritious meal for our family at the end of a long day when we really just wanted to pull through the drive through.

So I say, well done to all of us. Imagine me patting your back and I'll imagine you're patting mine too.

Mulch much?

2009-11-05T12:38:00.001-08:00

I've got a compost in the back yard, and I don't use it as much as I like. It feels good to take the kitchen and yard waste—coffee grounds, Halloween pumpkins, and leaves—and put them back into the earth. It also makes an awesome science demonstration for my son, who likes to peek in and watch his Jack-o-lantern wither and shrivel as it makes a slow transformation back into dust.

It seems to me we'd all be better off if we could mulch in our minds, too. All of those bad thoughts, the worries, the stresses, the unkind words and thoughts that overwhelm us—what if we had a space we could put them and they would shrivel away too, only to become energy later for more positive pursuits?

Wouldn't that be something?

Overcoming self doubt

2009-11-05T08:57:00.000-08:00

I have a question. Who really cares if I don't meet a goal? Me. Who else? No one. So why don't I just promote myself better and stop worrying? Because failure is scary.

Do you feel like that sometimes, too? I'm not good at failing. Making mistakes is sometimes the only way one actually learns a lesson. I don't berate my kids when they trip and fall. So why am I not willing to give myself the same leeway?

I'd love to hear your strategies for overcoming doubts and fears. We all have them. But some of us are better at facing those fears than others.

Forgive my sleep obsession ...

2009-11-05T07:48:00.001-08:00

But in light of daylight saving time (and how it's effected the sleeping schedules around our house!) Here's a gentle reminder about why we need more snooze time:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/05/sleep-most-adults-get-ins_n_345588.html

The fast and the furious

2009-11-05T06:57:00.000-08:00

Instead of several small daily gifts to myself this month, I've chosen a single, larger prize: several hours each day of writing time. And the ultimate goal: a book at the end of a month.

If it sounds crazy, it is. But enter 100,000 of my closest friends, and you'll see I'm not the only one giving myself this gift this month. November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), and in my humble opinion it's the most fun you'll ever have working your ass off.

This is my second year participating, and the experience has taught me a few things.

1. Writing faster comes with practice. I started training for my writing goals a few months ago to get my brain in shape.

2. Writing is a gift to yourself. Because it's about expressing the thoughts and feelings we don't get a chance to express every day.

3. NaNoWriMo encourages good writing habits. 10 p.m. at night? Doesn't matter, you haven't met your writing goal. Tired? You can sleep in December, when you've finished your first draft. The point: I know lots of published authors who still have day jobs. And they do get up at 5:30 to write before work or pick up their pens at the end of the day.

So, if you're game, head on over to NaNoWriMo. And don't worry too much about your word count. Just remember, signing up is your promise to do something for yourself every day.

Life before kids

2009-11-04T20:14:00.000-08:00

Did you have one?

I know I did. I just don't remember it. Somewhere between the time I graduated from college and took my first job, I had a lifetime of fun before the baby bug bit. Hard.

When I decided I was ready for a baby I was insatiable. I bugged my spouse mercilessly. Admittedly, we'd been married already for six years, but I'm like a dog with a bone. Determined.

Looking back, I can't remember what I did after work. I remember thinking how weird it was that I didn't have to study. I even remember late nights at the office and bringing work home. One memorial day I was even called into the office to proof something.

But frankly, it's scary, I hope I remember more about my years at home with the kids then I do about the years before they came.

I am not your broom

2009-11-03T06:47:00.001-08:00

I don't expect the babysitter to clean my house, but I expect my house to be clean for the babysitter.

Our job assignment is the same: Take care of the kids. But the reality is a little different.

OK, back to mopping.

Paper magic

2009-11-03T06:32:00.000-08:00

My kids love paper. Line, unlined, heavy card stock or (usually) stolen from my printer -- this medium is cut, colored, scribbled, folded, taped and glued into an array of wonderful new items. Currently my kitchen table is littered with a beautifully designed paper bag (the two sides taped together) and two ink drawings: a monster and a woman are placed haphazardly near one chair.

I love that my children are following their muse and making items that show their creativity. It's fabulous to watch their minds work through problems and develop individual solutions.

Work and Kids

2009-11-02T06:09:00.000-08:00

How do you handle this often combustible combination? I choose to work from home. Usually - especially when both children are at school - the choice is fabulous. But when I get a big project that overwhelms my few hours of kid-free time....Well, that's when I dream of an office.

I've been at home with my children for nearly seven years. Sounds like forever when I write it down here. For the past year and a half, there have been days when I dreamed of re-creating my professional life: stepping into those killer heels and striding confidently out the door for a full day of delegating and Excel spreadsheets. But when the reality of actually leaving my children - all day, five days a week - hit, I sat down in my bathroom and cried.

I felt like the umbilicus was being cut for a final time. Not only would someone else do most of the raising of my children, I would be so busy doing laundry, errands and dinner, I'd miss even more of their days. My favorite quote (paraphrased here) about being a parent is that the days are long and the years are short. Already, my oldest is in school full days and moving quickly toward her tween years. My youngest child has left babyhood far behind as she runs to keep up with her sister. In a few more years, neither child will actively seek out my company.

There are days perspective is difficult, if not impossible. Kids can be intractable, annoying and dead-set on keeping you from completing a task. Still, for me, the best option is to remain at home with my girls. The one regret I will not have is spending enough time with them while they were young.

The first few words

2009-10-30T20:26:00.000-07:00

I've never met a person who doesn't want to write a book. Anyone who's ever tried knows the agony of sitting down and facing that blank, empty page and waiting for inspiration to come.

Between you and me, I find it's the first words that are the hardest. In fact, when I was primarily writing magazine articles I used to dump all of my best quotes onto the page before I ever started writing just to have that sense of having something on the page.

Here's the truth. If you can get the first 100 words down, you'll probably find yourself so caught up in the story you can't help but finish.

I'm very aware of this when I write. Sometimes I watch my word count and tick off milestones in my head. But eventually, the story takes over, and I look up in surprise and find that hundreds of words have passed me by while I stepped into another world.

It's a good feeling, and I recommend it next time you're stuck.

What gets you over the hump?

Snowbound

2009-10-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

It's October. At least I think it is until I look outside. Then it might as well be December or January. Or February, March or April. Yes, I live in a place where winter can grip hard. But usually not this early.

When I looked out the window just after noon today snow was falling lightly. The large, fat flakes drifted lazily and looked lovely. An hour later, I was no longer enjoying the view: swirls of thick snow fell in angry heaps over my drooping, brown landscaping. The temperature tonight is supposed to be in the teens. Did I mention it's still October?

So I admit it, I like the idea of winter more than the actuality of it. I'm not ready to pull out the flannel sheets and buy another cord of wood. But apparently Mother Nature has other ideas.

10 things men do that drive women nuts

2009-10-28T10:50:00.001-07:00

OK, I write this list with hesitation because the tables can be turned—too easily—but there are a few funny things men do that drive us, pardon the phrase, batshit crazy (like it's a far trip for me!) So for your entertainment here's a tongue-in-cheek look at a few nutty behaviors our menfolk sometimes exhibit:

1. Leave the laundry on top of the hamper—even when it's empty.

2. Tools must stay out until the completion of the project ... three months from now.

3. Must have remote/iPod/Blackberry/cell phone in hand and be fiddling with it during any conversation and insist they're listening ... then ask you to repeat yourself when you ask their opinion

4. Adjust the seat/steering wheel/mirror in the family car so you can't reach the peddles. A sister behavior to this is always tuning the car radio to sports. My blood pressure rises every time I start the car.

5. Can go to bed mad in the middle of a fight and wake up perfectly happy and wondering why you're upset the next morning. (Actually, shouldn't complain about this one. That's pretty easygoing, and a little pouting elicits a nice apology.)

6. Uses every pan in the house when they're cooking. Then becomes distracted by something on the TV or computer after dinner and forgets to clean up.

7. Clothes—his, the kid's—end up where ever they were taken off. If you're lucky enough that they decide to take them to the hamper, see No. 1.

8. Are always about 15 minutes later than they said they'd be. Then watch you impatiently if you've wisely waited to start dinner until they've actually arrived home.

9. Kibitz in the kitchen. I don't care how you like to do it. I'm cooking. Probably halfheartedly, but hey, it's on. There's still enough older sibling in me to get snarky if you offer advice.

10. Never smell a poopy diaper. Feces could be leaking down the child's leg, and they will swear you have a super sniffer and they never caught a whiff. On the plus side, a little prodding usually elicits an offer to change said poopy diaper.

Of course, all of these trespasses are highly exaggerated. As I like to say, you marry someone because the most annoying thing they do really doesn't bother you that much.

Now it's your turn. What about men—or women!—drive you nuts? All comments welcome.

To know or not to know - personally - your kids' pediatrician

2009-10-28T05:23:00.000-07:00

Depending on the size of your city, this may not be possible. I don't live in a hugely populated area. We have a few pediatric practices, and I know more medical professionals now than I did when we lived in Dallas-Fort Worth.

When your child is sick, I mean really sick, is it beneficial to know your child's doctor socially? I do. But I worry about taking advantage of that relationship. When is it OK to call his or her home number? How sick does your child need to be?

This etiquette was not taught. I don't have a good answer. But if my child doesn't improve markedly soon, I may just see how friendly the doc is when he gets an early morning phone call.

Messing around

2009-10-27T08:48:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen how a 4 year old cleans his room? It's a little work punctuated between long pauses of play. It would be amusing if you weren't on a mission to clean the house.

Most of the time when I'm cleaning the children are already asleep or they're making messes in another part of the house. And we all know there's a hearty amount of work that accumulates without anyone making any messes: dishes, laundry, dust, mold. We're household warriors, striking against the evil invaders that seek to make our homes cluttered and unwelcoming.

My gift to myself today is to ignore the clutter. I've got another mission—literary. The dishes can soak, the laundry can linger, and I'll be fighting other battles.

Live to fight another day, I say.

Stress over finances leads to more domestic violence

2009-10-24T14:17:00.000-07:00

I know. It's not really surprising. But it is really sad.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) states that 54% of its callers said they had a negative change in their household finances in the last year. Bills pile up. No money is coming in to pay them. Where do you turn?

Stress comes in a variety of forms. While Harvard professor Dodson once said some stress is good, too much will hamper focus and productivity...and lead to more angry outbursts. If you need help, ask for it. Here's the NDVH's number: 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).

Great expectations

2009-10-24T10:59:00.000-07:00

It can be healthy to have high expectations for yourself if you treat it like a goal and it energizes you. But it can be a real problem when you hold others to your high standard.

For example, we were recently on a three-and-a-half hour flight with our 4 year old and our 14 month old. I frankly expected disaster. My experience is that ages 1 to 2 are the most difficult flying time because they don't get what's going on and they can't sit still.

It actually went fine. But I suspect it was more my low expectations than anything else.

The worst thing we can do is to build up experiences we have no control over—large family vacations, plans with others that we make even years in advance. Then when things don't go according to plan, the fallout can feel devestating—wasn't this supposed to be the experience of a lifetime?

I don't know about you, but I'm always much happier when things are more fun, more pleasant, more exciting than I expected. So I'm gonna focus on keeping reasonable expectations where others are involved and save the really great ones for myself.

The face of the flu

2009-10-20T07:35:00.000-07:00

With so much flu-steria going around, I thought I'd mention we have it. Well, my kids have it. High fever, headache, chills, little appetite and a general miserable feeling. According to the doctor, this is a relatively light case.

This is our fifth day and it's not pleasant, but I have to admit I was fearful of much worse. As the pediatrician pointed out, this bug's highly contagious: many, many people have it. More people have this strain than get the regular flu. So, he said, it's not surprising the higher number of complications resulting from the illness. Yes, that makes me feel a bit better -- my kids are healthy, we take our daily vitamins and amped up on immune-boosting supplements, but I still worry. Who wouldn't? Children don't have full developed immune systems. But the old prescription of rest and fluids is still the best way to fight this virus.

Anyone up for a popscicle and a movie?

Life 3.0

2009-10-16T11:12:00.001-07:00

There's an oft misquoted and unconfirmed statistic that claims most people will have five or more careers in their lifetimes. I've always found that interesting for a number of reasons: First, because for most of my professional life I worked for the same company (and I still do freelance work for them). Also, because I've always had a dream to parlay my freelance writing and editing career into a novel-writing career.

With the current state of the economy, I wonder if the real number of jobs a person has in his or her lifetime will climb. Several of my friends have shifted their career goals, leaving the magazine industry for other (hopefully more stable) careers.

Just as manufacturing jobs have moved overseas and certain careers have disappeared (what do you think former typesetters are doing now?), I wonder if the world of print is bracing for a similar exodus. Some of us will go on to related fields, writing for Web sites, iPhone applications, and the like. Others will go back to school and seek their next career life in a more stable profession, like law or accounting.

Think I'm wrong? Could be. But I know in the last year I made 75 percent of my freelance income off of projects that will never appear in print.

When the limelight fades

2009-10-16T08:24:00.000-07:00

Did Falcon Heene really pretend to be in a balloon for publicity? I am really hoping it isn't so. And if the family did make a point of wasting resources and causing the public to fear for a small child, well....I can't say what I really think about that here. What I will say is have care with your wishes.

I'm pretty sure Jon and Kate didn't intend for their marriage to implode so publicly. I'm pretty sure they didn't expect the smear campaign in the many tabloids that continue to drive their notoriety.

Fame has an underbelly people rarely consider. But they should. We as a country seem to love to build people up and then tear them - piece by piece - off the pedestal we made. The path to legend status is strewn with multitudes looking for their 15 minutes. I wonder, if you asked now, how many would say the limelight was worth it.

Daily constitutional

2009-10-15T08:54:00.000-07:00

That's what people used to call a walk. People have known for centuries that walking keeps you fit, healthy and helps you sleep at night. But for many Americans, in our suburban-sprawl, get-on-the-highway-to-go-to-work lifestyles, walking is no longer an easy and accessible activity. I say it should be.

Even 10 minutes a day improves circulation. A quick walk can improve your mood, too. Yes, I know how jam-packed days are. I know there simply isn't time. But I say make the time. It's for your health and mental well-being.

So my gift to myself today is a walk. I hope to do 30 minutes. That's ambitious. But it'll also keep me fit. And that's worth a lot.

Flu-steria

2009-10-14T16:58:00.000-07:00

I'm sick, and it's not the flu. Well it is, in a sense. I'm sick of hearing about the flu.

Before I had kids, I got a flu shot when they were available. If they were out, I didn't worry. I'm young. I'm healthy.

Once I had children, the recommendation changed. It was more important to get the shot, and I've conscientiously done that every year.

Except this year. The world is in a panic. That milder, less of a threat flu that no one was prepared for last year, has turned into the germ equivalent of Armageddon. There's nary a flu shot to be had in Kansas, which leaves my toddler one shot shy of the two recommended doses for children under two.

Fine. We're careful, we keep our kids home when they're sick, and the other kids at the preschool stay home when they're sick too. We're washing our hands more often, but it doesn't produce panic in my heart the way it does for some.

To answer a few questions that have been posed to me from those experiencing heart palpitations over this, consider this your open-ended response:

• No, I'm not going to hole up in your house if there's an outbreak. I think my house is just as safe as yours.

• No, I haven't called the pediatrician today to see if they have the swine flu yet. I'll get it when it's available, and I'll know they have it because IT WILL SAY SO ON THEIR WEB SITE.

• Yes, I've heard some people are getting sick this year and they don't know what it is. I can tell you conclusively almost every time my kids have been sick I haven't been sure exactly what they had, because the symptoms are so generic: fever, vomiting, coughing, etc. Most of the time it doesn't need a physician's intervention so I don't worry about it.

Bottom line: If you're freaking out, I'm not joining your hysteria hour. I'd rather have a glass of wine. But really, knock yourself out.

OK, grumpiness over. Feel free to resume your normal programming, and sorry for the rant.

Reading Votes for Women

2009-10-14T09:39:00.001-07:00

This former managing editor targets exactly how it feels to want a career and home life.

Growing up - just not now

2009-10-13T08:14:00.000-07:00

Extended adolescence. Seriously, it has a name. Kids today stay kids for longer. They jump from job to job, go on long, exotic vacations, live at home after college. This is the new norm for twenty-somethings.

According to a USA Today article, "Recent findings published by the American Sociological Association and based on U.S. Census data show a sharp decline in the percentage of young adults who have finished school, left home, gotten married, had a child and reached financial independence, considered typical standards of adulthood. In 2000, 46% of women and 31% of men had reached those markers by age 30, vs. 77% of women and 65% of men at the same age in 1960."

The big question I want answered is whether this is healthy. The jury is still out. But with life expectancy of 100 for a child born in the year 2000, I'm not sure delaying your responsible years is all bad. After all, experiences - of all sorts - do shape a person...as long at he or she does grow up. Eventually.

Babying the baby

2009-10-12T20:15:00.000-07:00

When your kids start fighting, do you have a tendency to blame the oldest?

Yeah, it's my instinct too. But I grew up as the older child, and I'm well acquainted with the tricks and tools the youngest will use to work their wiles on parental units.

Even so, I sometimes catch myself babying my baby. It's not good for her. My son always rises to the occasion when I set appropriate expectations. But it's more of a struggle with her.

She's the baby, the girl, and the stubborn one. So she needs more structure—not less.

Have you noticed we have a forgotten generation of kids out there? Ones who never learned to make their own decisions or move out of mom and dad's basement?

I believe it starts here.

A little babying is OK once in a while--both kids enjoy an extra dose of mommying still. But, as is oft said, their smiles of achievement always come when we offer them roots and wings.

The great pumpkin (patch)

2009-10-12T07:28:00.000-07:00

Cool breezes, leaves on the ground, and big, orange pumpkins growing on the vine. Yes, it's the day we go to the pumpkin patch. Our admission pays for a hayride, a pumpkin to take home with us (carving is in our near future), a huge "fun" slide, corn maze and petting zoo. The petting zoo consists of goats - they do not smell good.

This is an event my kids look forward to all year. It's one of those activities that my oldest is about to outgrow, which makes it even more special to go together this one last year. The hardest part of watching my child go is the blase way she treats many of the outings that once brought her so much joy and wonder. And I want to ask her to keep some of her opinions to herself: her younger sib still finds the utmost joy in running through the dirty rows, looking for just the right gourd to bring home. Like most everything else in my life, I'm finding this, too, is a balancing act. I must let my oldest explore her growing identity - which is completely separate from me - while still nurturing (and loving) those moments with my younger child.

Whoever said parenting was easy?

Balloons and a glowdeo

2009-10-09T14:10:00.000-07:00

This year, we've made a commit: Tonight is the night we finally go to the Albuquerque International Balloon Festival. What, you ask? The Balloon Fiesta. Hundreds - if not thousands - of hot air balloons fill the skies with amazing shapes and colors. This is the big time.

Tonight is a kid favorite: the glowdeo. Hot air is shot into the balloons. But this isn't just any old hot air. It's colored, and it makes the balloons - you guessed it - glow. And bonus (did you need a bonus?): fireworks. My kids are still young enough to find the entire event fascinating. And what is more fun than spending an evening with your rapturous kids?

The backpack is packed; the snacks, drinks, changes of clothes and coats are all waiting. Tonight is girls' night. And we're going to the glowdeo.

Goals—and upping the ante

2009-10-08T06:59:00.000-07:00

It's that time. I've gotta review my goals again. I admit, I like having something on my calendar that says I'm gonna do something—even if it never happens. Because I'm oh so into the plan. Just ask my husband. If I don't have an itinerary, I'm a little adrift in the day.

For me, the hard part of goal setting is balance. How can you hit the goal that will both challenge and excite? What I mean is, it can't be too easy. If they're too accomplishable, I find myself doing just enough to satisfy the plan and quitting.

If I make my goals too lofty, they're impossible to achieve and they have the worst effect. They provoke guilt, shame, and frustration.

That's why days like these are so important. I can look at the goals I didn't meet and renegotiate with myself to find the right time and the right level of effort to inspire. Then I can look forward to the moment I can check the item off my to-do list.

What are your goals?

The Daily Log

2009-10-08T06:52:00.000-07:00

Any time something's out of whack with my kids, I start a daily log. Are you sleeping less? Eating something you shouldn't? What has changed that makes you so cranky, unhappy (fill in the appropriate adjective for your child here).

I don't enjoy it; in fact, I'm a pretty poor logbook keeper. But the exercise typically does help me find something to work with. Which is why I keep coming back to it.

We used the log a year-and-a-half ago to help pinpoint what was causing my daughter's eczema (cow's milk). Now we're using it to try to understand why my daughter is so prone to melt downs. According to a psychologist friend, something as small as a shorter free play time can wreak havoc with a small child's psyche.

The part I find most mystifying is that the solution is typically right there, within my grasp - within my day - if I'd only been paying enough attention in the first place. And that's what the log does; I have to pay very close attention to my children. Very close.

The point is: shouldn't I have been doing so all along?

Screening screen time

2009-10-07T08:13:00.000-07:00

When I had my older daughter nearly seven years ago, I simply knew we'd spend hours together reading, doing puzzles and other educational activities and visiting friends. TV - and videos - were not something to worry about.

Then I had the second. This child is a couch potato. She is happiest when the TV is on. A distant second is climbing in a tree. Or making mud pies (an absolute favorite activity of mine at her age).

My concern now is how to limit the time she watches TV. I work more than I ever did when her sister was this age. She is in preschool - all 12 hours - for enrichment and socialization. But it's the time when I'm on deadline that truly worries me. How did this happen? My goal is to come up with strategies that are as fun as TV (my daughter's laughing at me as I write this, I'm sure).

Here are a few of our best activities:
1.Beading - while I hate the tiny plastic colors that end up whirring through my vacuum, this is a great fine motor skill and we have lovely bracelets and necklaces
2. Baking - bread, pies, cakes. I love that my girls are learning math AND learning to feed themselves.
3. Painting - I admit it. I hate paints of any kind. Oh, the mess! But my kids love them. And I do end up with some smashing masterpieces.
4. Gak and slime - it's gooey and gross. What more do I really need to say?

Big boys do cry

2009-10-05T09:02:00.000-07:00

My son is 4, and he is sensitive. It's a trait I love and admire in my husband, a skill that makes him gentle with animals and children. But I haven't learned yet to be the mom of a crier.

Because, let's admit it, our society is not very accepting of boys who cry. And it bothers me. Why should my daughter be able to express her feelings but not my son?

I've fumbled about with this for a while. When a boy from Donovan's class pushed him in the swimming pool at a birthday party, I let the boy's mother con my son out of crying with a string of banter that distracted him from the intentional injury her son inflicted. And I regretted it later, wishing I knew how to better soothe my son and offer his support to calm himself without reinforcing the behavior.

This is one of the toughest tasks I've tackled so far. Because the crying can be, frankly, annoying. This morning at the community center he cried because he was sword fighting with his balloon tiger and the tiger became separated from his leash. Donovan was so distressed we removed to the bathroom and then, when he couldn't calm himself, to the car to head for home. There's a special sinking feeling as you do that walk of shame out of a building. "What did I do wrong?" you think to yourself.

I'm a book person, so my first step is to head to the bookstore to learn the right coping methods to help my sensitive child thrive. I need the tools to feel in control. But I also want to act responsibly and remember, there's nothing wrong with my child. He just needs my help to deal with the high stimulation of the world around him.

Retail maven

2009-10-05T07:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you have this person in your family: the one (usually) female who buys stuff. Constantly. Because it's on sale.

Now I'm not talking about items you might want or need. I'm talking about sale stuff. Purchased simply because it's under a 75% off sign. As my husband says, "There's a reason it's so discounted!"

Don't get me wrong, I love a bargain. Bargains, in fact, make me giddy. But with two small children - who seem to outgrow shoes faster than I can buy them - and a budget, I tend to be a minimalist shopper. By that I mean I do some online sleuthing and then go to the one store that has what I need. Still I have to give myself a stern talking-to about how I do not need the four really cute soup bowls that are deeply discounted.

In part, I want to say thanks to this retail maven, who is working with single-handed determination to keep our economic structure alive. But a small part of me really wants to ask what do you do with all that junk?

Out of focus

2009-10-04T11:05:00.000-07:00

I do everything in two to three minute movements, so I rarely feel focused on one task. I'm often working to a symphony of, "Mommy, can I have a glass of water?" and the primitive grunts and leg tugging of my one year old.

So things don't always get done the way they should. The water bill gets missed in the stack of junk mail and I sheepishly discover it a few days later when I'm stacking the magazines I subscribe to but never get a chance to read. The laundry gets stacked but I don't notice the stack of folded socks until I sit on them. And if it doesn't make it on the calendar, it doesn't happen.

I like to blame it on constant distractions from my two little whirling dervishes. And I sometimes remember with great fondness the long stretches of quiet thinking time I used to enjoy at work when I shut my office door.

Still, I'd rather be getting some done with my two little distractions than checking off everything on my list while someone else gets cuddles from my babies.

Where do you find the time ... ?

2009-10-02T09:54:00.001-07:00

I hate this question, because it's a loaded one. Answer one way, and you're bragging. Another, and you're blowing them off.

"Where do you find the time to do freelance work? Write a book? Paint the bedroom?" And the unasked question, "What didn't you do so you could work/write/paint?" This immediately conjures images of laundry piles ignored and children wandering listlessly around the house, dirty and bored.

We all instinctively know what's possible during a day. And you'll never meet another person whose priorities are perfectly matched to your own. The real question is, does the family work? Is the dynamic working for everyone?

Things are easier for me this year than last. Last year, I had a newborn and a three year old who went to school two times a week. This year, my one year old naps while why four year old goes to school three afternoons a week. And I have a babysitter who comes by for a couple hours once a week so I can run the errands and do the tasks that are less kid friendly (who wants to stand at the DMV with children?)

There's been a stiff learning curve, but I'm feeling like we're finally managing to strike a healthy balance that gives me some adult time. And the trips we take to the zoo and the playground together are much more fun when I'm refreshed.

So I'm riding a high of welcome personal time and hoping it continues. And if I do laundry one less time each week to finish a chapter, everyone in my household seems to understand.