What matters most

Warning: Rant in progress

When I was a kid, there was a family down the block from us with children close to my age. They seemed like the perfect family: two parents, two kids, a girl and a boy. My brother and I used to play with the kids, although I can't recall their names anymore. They're one of the many things that have vanished from my mind with the passage of time.

One thing I do remember, though, is how their family fell apart.

This seemingly normal family collapsed so suddenly it was shocking. The mother decided she'd married and had children to young, and left to "find herself."

First off, I feel like there was a period in the late 80's where this happened a lot. I'm not sure if that's just an impression I hold because of this family or whether it was a trend to leave your family.

But as an adult, I can't help finding myself condemning that woman. If she needed to leave her marriage, then I support her. But to leave your children—in my opinion, unconscionable. Because those children didn't ask for their mother to have children before she was ready. They weren't clambering at her conscious before—or apparently, even after—their birth.

Dads often get the bad rap for ditching a family. Worse is when they leave their families and start new ones, abandoning their children as if they were the leftover sofa that no one wanted to claim after the divorce. But woman can be just as guilty of this.

No one could ever know what they're getting into when they have children. The lifelong commitment, the love, the responsibility. And anyone who enters into the state too lightly deserves a good old fashioned wake-up call: It's not about you anymore.

/rant

Why my kids benefit from a little less attention

Portia wrote a great post last week about taking a few moments for herself - in the form of a mocha. Personal time is necessary for continued sanity, especially if you're juggling a hectic schedule, and what mom isn't? But there's another area where kids benefit from a little less attention: parents' taking time to spend together as a couple.

Over the past five years, my husband and I have watched couple after couple collapse under the weight of their responsibilities: Work, kids' activities, housework, family obligations, exercising, and creating healthful meals all seem to trump couple time. The problem is a marriage is a complex relationship, and like any relationship, it needs to be nurtured. Every couple needs moments of connection, those small seemingly insignificant seconds of togetherness that keep the threads of a relationship tightly knit. Current research also shows that children benefit from parents whose relationships are happy. While that may seem like a no brainer, it's important for us to realize that taking a few minutes away from our kids may benefit them more in the long run.

My gifts to my marriage today are:
1. Take an hour to spend with only my husband.
2. Talk about something besides our kids and tomorrow's obligations.
3. Relax and enjoy the moment.