Why is it so hard? Kids, husband, dog, activities, work, cooking, cleaning...the list is endless.
Many books have been written about it. Many experts have pontificated. Yet I don't feel any closer to figuring it all out now than I did before I read everything on the subject.
I think the problem is that, as a society, we've created this impossible belief that women can be full-time mothers, sexy and understanding wives, and smart, capable individuals. Indeed, we can be all these things. Just not at the exact same time.
I'd really like to have a discussion about being an individual; what's important to me may not be to you. That's OK. In fact, that's good. As long as we all agree that we want to raise our kids right and we want to have a strong family, then how we get there is moot.
Right?
We also need to cut ourselves some slack. I mean both moms AND dads. Dads are doing so much more with their kids, so much more around the house and still working full time. They are giving a lot to the relationship. We need to remember that.
We also need to remember that it's OK to not want to be a full time professional, or a full time mother or not be able to seamlessly blend the work-at-home thing. You know what? Kids - especially young, needy kids - make working from home hard. When they are fussy, they make both parents' edgy. And usually kids aren't the neatest roommates.
Balancing family with careers is a trick. Some people do it extremely well - with grace and dignity. I am not one of those people. I find it messy, frustrating and sometimes downright awful. But I wouldn't give up my family and I NEED the adult outlet. So I better get better at balancing.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Friday, February 4, 2011
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Yay for you!
One of my old college friends has a 2 year old, and they have a charming ritual. Every week they make a birthday cake. It's a different type of cake each week, but it's the event that counts. He's celebrating special time with his mommy. She's celebrating the miracle that is her son.
Seems we don't do enough to celebrate ourselves and our families. Special occasions are nice, but these special routines we develop to nurture our families and ourselves demonstrate a love that goes beyond a moment--it's a love you work at and build on everyday.
What rituals do you use to celebrate your family, yourself, and others?
Seems we don't do enough to celebrate ourselves and our families. Special occasions are nice, but these special routines we develop to nurture our families and ourselves demonstrate a love that goes beyond a moment--it's a love you work at and build on everyday.
What rituals do you use to celebrate your family, yourself, and others?
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
The art of regifting
It's tacky. It's a sit-com joke, right? Perhaps sometimes. But every once in a while, regifting isn't so bad.
This Christmas, my dad wants a digital SLR camera. And he's in luck, because I upgraded this year. While it's hard to say goodbye to my first baby, my Nikon D50, it's a shame that she spends so much time collecting dust while I take her older sister out for spins around town.
So this Christmas, my dad's gonna unwrap the same present I did three years ago. And I think he'll be thrilled. It's a much bigger ticket item than we'd normally spend, and I can verify it's been lovingly cared for.
Plus, it's in the truest Christmas spirit: I love this camera still, but I want to share the love. That counts, right?
What do you think? Tasteful or tacky?
This Christmas, my dad wants a digital SLR camera. And he's in luck, because I upgraded this year. While it's hard to say goodbye to my first baby, my Nikon D50, it's a shame that she spends so much time collecting dust while I take her older sister out for spins around town.
So this Christmas, my dad's gonna unwrap the same present I did three years ago. And I think he'll be thrilled. It's a much bigger ticket item than we'd normally spend, and I can verify it's been lovingly cared for.
Plus, it's in the truest Christmas spirit: I love this camera still, but I want to share the love. That counts, right?
What do you think? Tasteful or tacky?
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Priorities
Isn't that what life really is? A list of priorities. What will I do first - or what is most important to me today?
Everyone has theirs. And each list is individual. But I think there are some universals that tend to climb to the top. Those include family, friends, lifestyle and health.
I would love to hear how you juggle these priorities. Sometimes it's relatively easy. But - for me, at least - there are days when I can barely squeeze in half of what I know I should be doing.
How do you manage your list of priorities?
Everyone has theirs. And each list is individual. But I think there are some universals that tend to climb to the top. Those include family, friends, lifestyle and health.
I would love to hear how you juggle these priorities. Sometimes it's relatively easy. But - for me, at least - there are days when I can barely squeeze in half of what I know I should be doing.
How do you manage your list of priorities?
Monday, November 23, 2009
Having a good time?
Between you and me, the holidays can get a little tricky around our house. A few reasons, but mostly it amounts to high expectations.
Every year we have a minimum of two Thanksgivings and three Christmases, followed directly by me and my husband's wedding anniversary and our (shared) birthday. Yup, same birthday. What were our parents thinking?
But in the midst of all of this revelry, what really gets us down are the expectations—our own and others. I want the house perfect. I want to make everyone happy and try to see as many relatives as possible over the holidays. I want to cook a fabulous meal served at a beautiful table with the perfect table setting. Makes me tired just thinking about it.
But it doesn't have to be that way. Who says you can't serve up a good old fashioned bowl of chili for Christmas? Didn't God invent paper plates for a reason? And maybe it's OK if the house isn't dusted and the baseboards don't get washed, just this once.
I mean, after all, this is supposed to be fun, right?
Every year we have a minimum of two Thanksgivings and three Christmases, followed directly by me and my husband's wedding anniversary and our (shared) birthday. Yup, same birthday. What were our parents thinking?
But in the midst of all of this revelry, what really gets us down are the expectations—our own and others. I want the house perfect. I want to make everyone happy and try to see as many relatives as possible over the holidays. I want to cook a fabulous meal served at a beautiful table with the perfect table setting. Makes me tired just thinking about it.
But it doesn't have to be that way. Who says you can't serve up a good old fashioned bowl of chili for Christmas? Didn't God invent paper plates for a reason? And maybe it's OK if the house isn't dusted and the baseboards don't get washed, just this once.
I mean, after all, this is supposed to be fun, right?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Great expectations
It can be healthy to have high expectations for yourself if you treat it like a goal and it energizes you. But it can be a real problem when you hold others to your high standard.
For example, we were recently on a three-and-a-half hour flight with our 4 year old and our 14 month old. I frankly expected disaster. My experience is that ages 1 to 2 are the most difficult flying time because they don't get what's going on and they can't sit still.
It actually went fine. But I suspect it was more my low expectations than anything else.
The worst thing we can do is to build up experiences we have no control over—large family vacations, plans with others that we make even years in advance. Then when things don't go according to plan, the fallout can feel devestating—wasn't this supposed to be the experience of a lifetime?
I don't know about you, but I'm always much happier when things are more fun, more pleasant, more exciting than I expected. So I'm gonna focus on keeping reasonable expectations where others are involved and save the really great ones for myself.
For example, we were recently on a three-and-a-half hour flight with our 4 year old and our 14 month old. I frankly expected disaster. My experience is that ages 1 to 2 are the most difficult flying time because they don't get what's going on and they can't sit still.
It actually went fine. But I suspect it was more my low expectations than anything else.
The worst thing we can do is to build up experiences we have no control over—large family vacations, plans with others that we make even years in advance. Then when things don't go according to plan, the fallout can feel devestating—wasn't this supposed to be the experience of a lifetime?
I don't know about you, but I'm always much happier when things are more fun, more pleasant, more exciting than I expected. So I'm gonna focus on keeping reasonable expectations where others are involved and save the really great ones for myself.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Guest what?
Being a host is hard. But there are certain challenges in being the guest too.
For myself, I'm never comfortable in someone else's place. There's always some awkwardness. Where is the toilet paper kept, and are the towels on the towel bar strictly for decoration? What about meals? If you're the first up, do you start the coffee pot?
We've all played both roles at some point, and house rules change depending on the people you're staying with. But I do believe there are some universal courtesies a guest should observe.
1. Keep your space reasonably neat: making your bed, tucking dirty clothes into a corner of your suitcase, and so on. This is doubly important if your bed is in a public space, like a family room.
2. Always offer assistance—with meal prep, cleanup, or other mealtime tasks that arise. You'll likely be turned down, but you could be the hero.
3. Thank the host. Your length of stay will determine how often you show appreciation and your effusiveness.
4. If you're a relative, still follow these rules. Sure, your family has to have you back, but your name won't raise their blood pressure if you're a good guest.
For myself, I'm never comfortable in someone else's place. There's always some awkwardness. Where is the toilet paper kept, and are the towels on the towel bar strictly for decoration? What about meals? If you're the first up, do you start the coffee pot?
We've all played both roles at some point, and house rules change depending on the people you're staying with. But I do believe there are some universal courtesies a guest should observe.
1. Keep your space reasonably neat: making your bed, tucking dirty clothes into a corner of your suitcase, and so on. This is doubly important if your bed is in a public space, like a family room.
2. Always offer assistance—with meal prep, cleanup, or other mealtime tasks that arise. You'll likely be turned down, but you could be the hero.
3. Thank the host. Your length of stay will determine how often you show appreciation and your effusiveness.
4. If you're a relative, still follow these rules. Sure, your family has to have you back, but your name won't raise their blood pressure if you're a good guest.
Monday, September 21, 2009
What relatives and fish have in common
My father in law has a saying. (Stop me if you've heard this one.) Relatives are like fish. After a day, they start to stink. And my husband and I jokingly refer to our longstanding 24 hour rule. It's simply this: We always have more fun if we keep our visits to a day's length.
You get all the fun of seeing your fam with none of the baggage.
Priceless.
The first time you serve that elaborate meal or pick up the wet towels in the bathroom, you're still filled with that warm glow that comes from serving others. "They're family," you think. "And don't they just think I'm the best hostess ever?"
Three days later you're doing well if everyone's on speaking terms.
Now every family's different, it's true. I just think we have problems when we put all this pressure and all of these expectations on family events. Then when they fall apart, disaster.
That's why it's more important than ever to focus on rewarding yourself as you serve others. I might be hosting family this week, but I'm still making time for my three gifts to myself:
1. writing time
2. restoration time (painting toenails, doing my hair and makeup, etc.)
3. reading time
Family visits are much more fun when you respect your own needs.
You get all the fun of seeing your fam with none of the baggage.
Priceless.
The first time you serve that elaborate meal or pick up the wet towels in the bathroom, you're still filled with that warm glow that comes from serving others. "They're family," you think. "And don't they just think I'm the best hostess ever?"
Three days later you're doing well if everyone's on speaking terms.
Now every family's different, it's true. I just think we have problems when we put all this pressure and all of these expectations on family events. Then when they fall apart, disaster.
That's why it's more important than ever to focus on rewarding yourself as you serve others. I might be hosting family this week, but I'm still making time for my three gifts to myself:
1. writing time
2. restoration time (painting toenails, doing my hair and makeup, etc.)
3. reading time
Family visits are much more fun when you respect your own needs.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Through their eyes
Like all funerals, there was a lot of food and a lot of people. Relatives we haven't seen since my husband and I got married 12 years ago. And our kids met enough aunts, uncles, cousins, and even more distant relations to completely overwhelm them.
They were saints. They were dragged around, passed around, strapped into car seats for indefinite periods of time, and sat like little angels through a two-and-a-half-hour lunch that even had me squirming.
I wouldn't have thought any less of either of them for pitching a giant fit right in the middle of their great-grandmother's living room. But it never happened. No sulks, no complaints. Just smiles and good manners.
I'm floored. Heck, I knew they were great kids, but sometimes they even impress me. All day, I heard, "They've done such a great job." "They're so well-behaved." "I can't believe how good natured they are."
It's not often we have a chance to see our kids through another person's eyes—a teacher, a relative, a friend. But this weekend was a real eye-opener for me. The next time they've pushed me to the edge, I'm gonna pull those words out again, take a deep breath, and start over. Cause when it counts, they outdo themselves.
They were saints. They were dragged around, passed around, strapped into car seats for indefinite periods of time, and sat like little angels through a two-and-a-half-hour lunch that even had me squirming.
I wouldn't have thought any less of either of them for pitching a giant fit right in the middle of their great-grandmother's living room. But it never happened. No sulks, no complaints. Just smiles and good manners.
I'm floored. Heck, I knew they were great kids, but sometimes they even impress me. All day, I heard, "They've done such a great job." "They're so well-behaved." "I can't believe how good natured they are."
It's not often we have a chance to see our kids through another person's eyes—a teacher, a relative, a friend. But this weekend was a real eye-opener for me. The next time they've pushed me to the edge, I'm gonna pull those words out again, take a deep breath, and start over. Cause when it counts, they outdo themselves.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Dr. Death
I'm shirking. We've had a death in the family and my grand master plan is to hide it from my son.
To be fair, it's his great-grandfather. He's a distant figure in my son's life. Someone who's sat in a chair quietly during our visits. He loved Donovan as his first grandson, but D is just so young I don't know if he'll really remember.
It just didn't seem fair to interrupt D's 4th birthday to do the death talk.
So am I a coward?
I hope not. Our last visit with his great-grandpa a few weeks ago prompted lots of questions about death. He's confused right now. And we're trying to give him a little time to process his feelings and ask more questions or let it be.
It's difficult. What would you do?
To be fair, it's his great-grandfather. He's a distant figure in my son's life. Someone who's sat in a chair quietly during our visits. He loved Donovan as his first grandson, but D is just so young I don't know if he'll really remember.
It just didn't seem fair to interrupt D's 4th birthday to do the death talk.
So am I a coward?
I hope not. Our last visit with his great-grandpa a few weeks ago prompted lots of questions about death. He's confused right now. And we're trying to give him a little time to process his feelings and ask more questions or let it be.
It's difficult. What would you do?
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sibling rivalry
How can something so tiny cause so much trouble? Moira turned 1 yesterday, and she's driving her older brother, Donovan, to distraction. She gets into his toys, she steals his thunder. This is not what he expected when he heard he was getting a little sister.
We can see he's frustrated. A few weeks ago, he asked if I couldn't just put Moira back in my tummy. (But honey, she just won't fit!) A few days ago, I asked him to stop teasing his sister. ("But Mom," he said, "It's my favorite thing to do!")
Her birthday was the final straw. A whole day to celebrate this little whirling dynamo? No way!
And suddenly, I got it. My husband and I are both older siblings. We remember the angst. So we talked to Donovan this morning. Yes, little brothers or sisters can be a big pain. Yes, they get into your stuff. We remember. But ... they do grow up. And they get more fun. We promised. After all, our little brothers were the same way.
Welcome, attitude change. A few hours later, he told me, "Momma, I don't want to tease Moira anymore." He's giving her big time love. Hugs and kisses. Saying he loves her. Was it really that easy?
Now it's time for round two. Donovan's birthday tomorrow, and he'll have a day all for him to celebrate Number 4. Let's hope the truce holds.
We can see he's frustrated. A few weeks ago, he asked if I couldn't just put Moira back in my tummy. (But honey, she just won't fit!) A few days ago, I asked him to stop teasing his sister. ("But Mom," he said, "It's my favorite thing to do!")
Her birthday was the final straw. A whole day to celebrate this little whirling dynamo? No way!
And suddenly, I got it. My husband and I are both older siblings. We remember the angst. So we talked to Donovan this morning. Yes, little brothers or sisters can be a big pain. Yes, they get into your stuff. We remember. But ... they do grow up. And they get more fun. We promised. After all, our little brothers were the same way.
Welcome, attitude change. A few hours later, he told me, "Momma, I don't want to tease Moira anymore." He's giving her big time love. Hugs and kisses. Saying he loves her. Was it really that easy?
Now it's time for round two. Donovan's birthday tomorrow, and he'll have a day all for him to celebrate Number 4. Let's hope the truce holds.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Fight or flight
I've got a buzz going and it's not from coffee this morning. I haven't had a drop ... yet. It's that extra boost of energy you get when your plate is so full there's no time for anything else.
Have you ever had that tingly sensation and been stymied? You have a ton to do but the stars don't align? In my case, I'm praying for good kiddie karma today. Long naps, happy play next to me while I'm working on projects. Then, as soon as I'm finished, some fantastically fun adventure. Got any suggestions?
But first, about that coffee ...
Have you ever had that tingly sensation and been stymied? You have a ton to do but the stars don't align? In my case, I'm praying for good kiddie karma today. Long naps, happy play next to me while I'm working on projects. Then, as soon as I'm finished, some fantastically fun adventure. Got any suggestions?
But first, about that coffee ...
Monday, July 20, 2009
That's what she said
"What's this? And where did you put it?" These are the words I overheard my husband speaking to one of our children this evening while I was in the kitchen cooking. I had to chuckle, realizing how often I speak the same words every day. I can't tell you what it was or where they put it, but we can figure the answer out together with a simple multiple choice quiz.
1. What's this?
a. A clump of dog or cat fur
b. A kernel of puppy chow
c. Something flammable
d. Something with a cutting edge
2. Where did you put it?
a. In the couch
b. In the toilet
c. In your mouth
d. In an alternate body cavity (nostril, ear, etc.)
1. What's this?
a. A clump of dog or cat fur
b. A kernel of puppy chow
c. Something flammable
d. Something with a cutting edge
2. Where did you put it?
a. In the couch
b. In the toilet
c. In your mouth
d. In an alternate body cavity (nostril, ear, etc.)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Positive reinforcement
At a play date the other day, one of the moms said, "We've been focusing on the negative." By this she meant she was telling her daughter what not to do and forgetting to praise the behaviors she wanted. I've known the family for some time, and this is mom is usually spot-on when it comes to positive reinforcement. I've often wished I was as upbeat a parent.
It happens to us all: the pile of chores and responsibilities stack precariously high as we try to keep it all balanced. I can't think of anyone who likes the stress associated with being pulled in so many directions. Still, we have priorities for a reason. Family, close friends and certain bosses take precedence over the multitude of tasks and people yammering for our attention. Right? OK, so not always. Maybe that's the problem.
Then how do I keep the people I love front and center on my list? How do you manage to find the time and patience for those closest to you?
Here are some coping methods to help you handle the stress:
1. Journal. This allows you to put those nebulous thoughts into words, which should help crystallize your emotions. For some, this helps to calm both the mind and body.
2. Take a walk. If you have kids at home, get them to come with you. Thirty minutes of exercise and talking about each other's activities can have a major calming effect. Plus, it's bonding time.
3. Take time out of your busy schedule to do something nice for someone you love. Leave your significant other a note telling him or her just how much they mean to you. Cut your child's PB&J sandwich into a heart. It doesn't have to be anything expensive; showing you care is as simple as a hug.
How do you keep your family front-and-center in your life?
It happens to us all: the pile of chores and responsibilities stack precariously high as we try to keep it all balanced. I can't think of anyone who likes the stress associated with being pulled in so many directions. Still, we have priorities for a reason. Family, close friends and certain bosses take precedence over the multitude of tasks and people yammering for our attention. Right? OK, so not always. Maybe that's the problem.
Then how do I keep the people I love front and center on my list? How do you manage to find the time and patience for those closest to you?
Here are some coping methods to help you handle the stress:
1. Journal. This allows you to put those nebulous thoughts into words, which should help crystallize your emotions. For some, this helps to calm both the mind and body.
2. Take a walk. If you have kids at home, get them to come with you. Thirty minutes of exercise and talking about each other's activities can have a major calming effect. Plus, it's bonding time.
3. Take time out of your busy schedule to do something nice for someone you love. Leave your significant other a note telling him or her just how much they mean to you. Cut your child's PB&J sandwich into a heart. It doesn't have to be anything expensive; showing you care is as simple as a hug.
How do you keep your family front-and-center in your life?
Monday, June 15, 2009
Why my kids benefit from a little less attention
Portia wrote a great post last week about taking a few moments for herself - in the form of a mocha. Personal time is necessary for continued sanity, especially if you're juggling a hectic schedule, and what mom isn't? But there's another area where kids benefit from a little less attention: parents' taking time to spend together as a couple.
Over the past five years, my husband and I have watched couple after couple collapse under the weight of their responsibilities: Work, kids' activities, housework, family obligations, exercising, and creating healthful meals all seem to trump couple time. The problem is a marriage is a complex relationship, and like any relationship, it needs to be nurtured. Every couple needs moments of connection, those small seemingly insignificant seconds of togetherness that keep the threads of a relationship tightly knit. Current research also shows that children benefit from parents whose relationships are happy. While that may seem like a no brainer, it's important for us to realize that taking a few minutes away from our kids may benefit them more in the long run.
My gifts to my marriage today are:
1. Take an hour to spend with only my husband.
2. Talk about something besides our kids and tomorrow's obligations.
3. Relax and enjoy the moment.
Over the past five years, my husband and I have watched couple after couple collapse under the weight of their responsibilities: Work, kids' activities, housework, family obligations, exercising, and creating healthful meals all seem to trump couple time. The problem is a marriage is a complex relationship, and like any relationship, it needs to be nurtured. Every couple needs moments of connection, those small seemingly insignificant seconds of togetherness that keep the threads of a relationship tightly knit. Current research also shows that children benefit from parents whose relationships are happy. While that may seem like a no brainer, it's important for us to realize that taking a few minutes away from our kids may benefit them more in the long run.
My gifts to my marriage today are:
1. Take an hour to spend with only my husband.
2. Talk about something besides our kids and tomorrow's obligations.
3. Relax and enjoy the moment.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Traveling with Kids
The family vacation. Better yet, a family road trip. It's iconic. You have to do at least one as a parent, and this year my husband and I are traveling about 2,000 miles with our young children.
No, we didn't intend to torture ourselves. Our plan was to show our kids some of the real Americana that we don't see day-to-day from our suburban home in New Mexico. And we have. Tucumcari, NM has an incredible gas station store full of any type of airbrushed T-shirt (in XXL sizes) you can imagine. The town no longer gets USA Today - we're not sure if the two correlate but it was an interesting observation. We've hit Glen Rose, TX's Dinosaur World, which was a big hit with our first-grader-to-be. And we've stopped for lunch in towns like Amarillo and Centerville.
So, here are my three things to do today:
1. Pick an activity we'll all enjoy
2. Remember my kids are this little only once!
3. Photo document today's activities
What will you do today?
No, we didn't intend to torture ourselves. Our plan was to show our kids some of the real Americana that we don't see day-to-day from our suburban home in New Mexico. And we have. Tucumcari, NM has an incredible gas station store full of any type of airbrushed T-shirt (in XXL sizes) you can imagine. The town no longer gets USA Today - we're not sure if the two correlate but it was an interesting observation. We've hit Glen Rose, TX's Dinosaur World, which was a big hit with our first-grader-to-be. And we've stopped for lunch in towns like Amarillo and Centerville.
So, here are my three things to do today:
1. Pick an activity we'll all enjoy
2. Remember my kids are this little only once!
3. Photo document today's activities
What will you do today?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)