The Balancing Act

Why is it so hard? Kids, husband, dog, activities, work, cooking, cleaning...the list is endless.

Many books have been written about it. Many experts have pontificated. Yet I don't feel any closer to figuring it all out now than I did before I read everything on the subject.

I think the problem is that, as a society, we've created this impossible belief that women can be full-time mothers, sexy and understanding wives, and smart, capable individuals. Indeed, we can be all these things. Just not at the exact same time.

I'd really like to have a discussion about being an individual; what's important to me may not be to you. That's OK. In fact, that's good. As long as we all agree that we want to raise our kids right and we want to have a strong family, then how we get there is moot.

Right?

We also need to cut ourselves some slack. I mean both moms AND dads. Dads are doing so much more with their kids, so much more around the house and still working full time. They are giving a lot to the relationship. We need to remember that.

We also need to remember that it's OK to not want to be a full time professional, or a full time mother or not be able to seamlessly blend the work-at-home thing. You know what? Kids - especially young, needy kids - make working from home hard. When they are fussy, they make both parents' edgy. And usually kids aren't the neatest roommates.

Balancing family with careers is a trick. Some people do it extremely well - with grace and dignity. I am not one of those people. I find it messy, frustrating and sometimes downright awful. But I wouldn't give up my family and I NEED the adult outlet. So I better get better at balancing.

What can sex do for you?

According to this CNN article, quite a lot. Be calmer and look younger. Reduce heart disease! Part of me thinks it's simply men reporting to get mire sex. But then I think if I start sleeping more, drinking a small glass of red wine, eating one ounce of dark chocolate and having sex three times a week...well, maybe I would feel better. If only I weren't too tired to try.

Summer time blues

It's started. The kids have been home all of a few days, and today they plaintively wailed, "I'm bored!"

My retort was, "Who can change that?"

Perhaps it wasn't the most sympathetic answer, but I do believe my kids need to take more responsibility for their time and actions. I know they can't drive themselves to the pool, but they can play with one of the gagillion toys they HAD to have. Or they can read a book, play in the sand box, on the play structure, draw, color, make a collage...you get my point. There's always something they could be doing; they just expect me to make it more entertaining.

But I was on deadline. I literally had to finish my project. It's a combustible combination. I get stressed, they get annoyed, and all hell breaks loose. But it doesn't have to be that way. Which is why I sent them outside to play. The connection with nature is imperative to both their mental and physical health. Of course it'll only last about another 15 minutes, but that's more than enough time to finish this blog post.

Now if I could just get to the vacuuming....

The bomb

We had a major emotional blow up this morning. Tears, screaming, time spent in room to calm down.

Over a shirt.

I can't tell you how demoralizing that was. Normally, I'm thrilled my kids can and will dress themselves. But my older daughter picked out a shirt that a.) was too big and b.) did not meet dress code.

The fight was on. I literally had to yank it off her. And then - being in a snit - she refused other clothes. Many options were given. All were rejected.

Why does it have to be so hard to simply get ready to go somewhere?

Logging off...for now

The past two weeks have been incredibly busy. When I finally get to bed, it's more of a collapse into the mattress.

But because I've been barely able to get done what I have to, I haven't had any time to Twitter, Facebook or even blog.

And it's been wonderful.

That's not to say I'm not looking forward to plugging back into my Twitter-feed; this is more a matter of enjoying less computer time. I've become a slave to the device. And I'm not sure that's healthy. At least this past week, I've had to drive, walk and interact with others. That's been too novel a feeling.

I don't want to give up my social network sites. I simply want to harnass the technology to work smartly with my face-to-face interactions. Not overshadow people-time.

A funny thing happened

I lost my to-do list. So instead, I read a book.

When I finally found my list again, I'd accomplished half of the things on my list. Now I'm more relaxed and I think I got just as much done. Not bad.

I highly recommend it.

But, Mom

I'm sorry, no. We are not going any further don't that road. It's not that I'm a dictator (all the time); it's that there are things you cannot do for your own safety. Scaling dressers, walking in the road by yourself (without looking), going to a friend's house when I've never met the parent are all items I consider extremely dangerous.

These are items that I will not budge on. Ever. So don't keep pushing. The answer will always be no.

I said, "No!"

I'm a writer. I'm a writer of magazine and web articles, corporate web copy and nonprofit press releases. I enjoy writing across these industries and for a variety of clients. But my true love is fiction. And I've finally started querying literary agents.

I've also started racking up the rejection letters. This is not a fun part of the process. In fact, it's downright discouraging. I actually wanted to work for a literary agent so that I would better understand the process. That's me: research and learn as much as you can before you dive into something. Unfortunately, working for an agent wasn't a possibility.

I'm sure I'm learning from this process; I'm just not quite sure what as yet. Any suggestions?

Un-united States of America

For the past ten years, I've been waiting for politicians and political pundits to stop acting like three-year-old protecting a toy in the sandbox.

It hasn't happened.

Yes, I know we're not supposed to talk about politics. Nor are we supposed to talk about religion, but I'm noticing we're talking about both - slyly, for our own agendas - quite a bit.

I've been studying the history of Santa Fe, NM. The Spanish - for all their faults (which were many!) - were able to intermarry and coexist relatively peacefully with the natives, Africans and other groups that were either already in the territory or came to it. That is part of our legacy as Americans. Unfortunately, I still do not see this as the mainstream course of action. People seem to like to fight. Often and loudly.

What happened to respect thy neighbor? What happened to offering someone the dignity of listening to their opinion without talking over them? While I may like my ideas better, they are mine, not yours. And it's relatively rare that I will be able to change anyone's views, whether it be on something as trivial as cereal brands or as major as the environmental legislation that has stalled in D.C. That's OK as long as we can recognize a common goal: leaving our country better.

I am quickly moving from frustration to fear. Our country is polarizing on two opposite ends of the political spectrum; each feels its camp has all the right answers. This is the exact fiasco Abraham Lincoln warned against: "Nearly all men can withstand adversity; If you want to test a man's character, give him power."

But perhaps the most apropos quote is the one by Gore Vidal: "Politics is made up of two words. 'Poli' which is Greek for 'many,' and 'tics,' which are bloodsucking insects."

My feminst manifesto

I have a super woman complex. No, I mean I really tend to pressure myself to be better than anyone else. When I finally sat down to unravel the root cause of this issue, I realized that it was all my mom's (generation who were at) fault.

I am a woman of the post-feminism movement. That means I have the right to do as I damn well please. But that doesn't mean I can do anything I please without complaints, sidelong glances and suggestions on what it means to be a woman in today's society. You know what? I think there are a multitude of activities and dreams that I have the right to pursue. So do you. Here's a brief list of what I can do. I'd love to see you add to it.

As a woman, I can:

* run a business as well as any man - and make more money doing so
* stay at home to raise my kids (and maybe never again use that expensive college degree) while being a supportive wife
* wait for someone to open my car door only if I feel like it
* fix a broken electrical socket or transmission
* take a night off and let my spouse deal with the kids
* be frustrated and grumpy without it being labeled PMS
* dress as professionally, sloppy or as sexy as I want
* dream of simpler times when I didn't have to make as many financial decisions
* re-balance my stock portfolio
* buy my own car
* refuse to mow the lawn, enter the attic or deal with dead animals
* squash my own bugs
* expect to be loved and respected and never degraded for wanting to do what is best for my family and myself

That fine line

Portia mentioned recently that we as women take on too much. I definitely have this problem. It's the "should" curse. More than likely you live it without even realizing it.

Here's a list of items I feel I should do every day (though not in any specific order):

Write an article
If I'm not writing one, I should be researching and pitching one
Spend hours of quality time with my children
Actively learning something new
Wash, dry, fold and put away all the laundry in the hampers
Clean the dishes
Help my children learn to clean up their messes (and then following up to ensure said mess is actually cleaned up)
Spend quality time with my husband
Walk the dog - at least two miles
Spend at least 20 minutes building my platform through social media
Visit with my friends
Make a healthy, nutritious dinner

This is a partial list, but you get the idea. How can one do so many things? I can't. If I try, I do many of them poorly. Which is why my gift to myself is to stop saying, "I should do...." Maybe I should, but I can't do it all. It's time to accept that.

What's a frenemy?

It's a hard world out there, and we need all the friends we can get, right?

Yeah.

But ... What if someone isn't your friend?

Here's a quick test to decide:

Your friend:

Likes spending time with you—and seeks you out

Makes you feel better about yourself

Offers support and congratulations when good things swing your way

Do you know anyone who failed this test? Is this someone you have regular contact with through work, social activities, or even social media like Facebook or Twitter?

Fire them. Or if you can't excise the cancer (hey, I understand--it's your sister and she's super competitive), at least tune it out.

If you want a positive life, you have to be a positive force. That means being a good friend or neighbor, opening yourself to good people and blocking the bad, and generally supporting others with love in your heart.

Early to bed, early to rise

I love that phrase, and I like the concept. But I don't live it. I wish I did. On mornings where I'm up first (like today, when my morning started at 4:45 a.m.), I use the time to write. But this only works if you also go to bed early. Otherwise, you're just asking to fall victim to post-lunch slump.

Here's my concern. I think women take on too much. If you're like me, you're often the last to bed, perhaps the first to rise, and the self-care you need just isn't happening. When I hear the to-do lists of my friends and colleagues, I realized we're all part of a not-so-exclusive club: an over-committed, over-worked, and under-paid sisterhood. Is this true for you? Check out the poll at the top right-hand corner of the page and let us know if you're in the club too.

For Naught

Time magazine proclaimed the decade from hell is over. I'm always leery of such claims. When someone says, "Whew! Glad that's over!" I cringe. I'm just superstitious enough to think it's all been jinxed and what comes next will make what came before look like a picnic in the park.

Oh, how I hope I'm wrong.

One of the interesting terms for the last decade being bandied about is "the naughts." I wondered if the term referred to the double zero starting the decade or the amount of money/job growth/ increase GDP that came from the decade. Maybe both?

Whatever the case may be, the last decade was not good to most Americans. Some flourished profoundly; others lost their jobs, retirement savings and homes. Will the next decade push us once again into a time of flourishing prosperity? Perhaps. But for now, I'm just going to be glad with what I still have. Because it is more than naught.

Getting ready for the big dance

The slow season is over. The fall isn't a busy time for me. I have some freelance writing and editing assignments but it's not the revolving door of projects I face the other eight months a year.

So I tried to make the most of it. I continued to edit my first book, drafted two more, and started a fourth book. It's ruminating back there and sometimes I visit it, write a little, and chat.

The writer's lament: there's never enough time. And I know if I felt that way before, it's nothing compared to the months ahead. To keep myself centered, I'm making a promise now. No matter how crazy the deadlines, I will spend at least 30 minutes with my writing projects a day.

Thirty minutes isn't that long, right? The time it takes to shower and get dressed in the morning. Fold a load of laundry and start the next. Even cook dinner.

It's my job to find those little time savers. Because daily writing time is more than a gift I give myself every day. It's a driving force, a necessary part of my life. And I need it to feel fulfilled.

What fulfills you? Can you give yourself 30 minutes every day?

Pressure Cooker

I'm a TCU alum. And for the first time in my generation, TCU went to a BCS bowl this year. The kids on the team were under extraordinary pressure. The last championship for the school was in 1938. Talk about a dry spell.

Last night's game was a very big deal. My facebook page has been smeared in purple and GO FROGS! notes for days. I can't tell you the number of friends who bought tickets to Phoenix for the game.

And the team lost.

Now, a loss in and of itself really isn't a big deal. It's how the team lost that is so much more painful: Andy Dalton, the quarterback, threw three interceptions. His receivers dropped passes in the end zone. Clearly, the pressure was simply too much. And Murphy's Law prevailed once again (when you REALLY need something, you don't get it).

Most of us are able to avoid a colossal TV meltdown. These kids - from 18 to 22 - had their worst fears realized while broadcast to millions. As a mother, I wonder if the pressure placed on these students is simply too much, too soon. In the scheme of their entire lives, how much - really - does one bowl game matter?

Today I hope the team's fellow Frogs are being supportive and remembering just how far these kids had to come, how deeply they had to dig to claw their way to national prominence. That is a victory that will more than likely be overshadowed by a bitter loss. Unfortunately, that's part of life. You win some big ones and you lose many more. The key, I'm beginning to realize, is the journey and the lessons learned from it.

Holiday hype

I love the holidays. I'm typically on an emotional high from Halloween through New Year's. No, I'm not vibrating in anticipation at the thought of presents like my kids. I love the holidays because it's the one time of year we see all of our family. Each year, there is the renewed hope that this year we can all get along well. We love each other after all.

Then reality settles in.

People are not always nice. This is a fact of life. Unfortunately, one comment can lead to hurt feelings, which can lead to tiffs. I immensely dislike this part of the holiday season.

So for upcoming 2010 holidays, we're considering spending less time with our extended family. Maybe that will cure the unnecessary holiday hurts.

Better you than me

I hate when I think that way. I wish to be a better person, one who is both understanding and truly caring of her fellow beings. But when someone's kid is shrieking in the middle of Target...this thought does flit through my head. It's not that my kids are perfect - far, far from it! In fact, there are days when I wonder if the little monsters will ever behave like respectable human beings. And what I'm doing so wrong.

I recently received a picture from a family member whose toddler was sitting in the toilet. Not on. In. Again, I thought, "Oh, I'm glad that wasn't MY kid."

Do you ever have those type of thoughts?

My overindulgence

I found out there is indeed a point where I've consumed too much dark chocolate almond bark. You'll be glad to know it takes significant effort to get there.

Here's a quick recipe for anyone interested:

1 cup very dark chocolate (over 70%) chopped into small pieces
1/2 c raw almonds
pinch large flake sea salt

Line rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper. Sprinkle chocolate onto parchment. Place in oven. Turn on to 325F. Wait 10-15 minutes. Remove from oven and smooth chocolate with spatula. Sprinkle with almonds, pressing down lightly to ensure they stick in the chocolate. Sprinkle with sea salt and cool slightly. Place in fridge to cool completely. Cut into SMALL pieces (that way you can eat more of them).

Food Insecurity

Now there's a political term for you. What does it even mean? I had to look it up. Apparently, being food insecure means you are either currently hungry, are on the cusp of becoming hungry or just really worried that you might not be able to buy enough food to feed your family.

That's a wide range. No wonder there's such a large number of Americans that fall into that range. Over 49 million.

At the same time, we - as a nation - are on track to have about 43% of our population fall into the obese category by 2018.

Local food pantries are completely bare. School programs have seen a rise in the number of children needing free lunches and breakfasts. Food stamp programs are seeing many additional (and highly educated) requests.

We have truly become the land of the haves and have-nots.

My daughter's school is hosting its annual holiday food drive. This is the third time in four months that we've donated nonperishables. I wish I could do more. I truly - deeply- wish the 22 million food insecure children had enough to eat each day. Hunger - especially in one of the wealthiest nations ever to exist on this planet - seems ridiculous. I wonder if there's more I can do.